Why I Hate Going to Graduations
Graduation is the most boring thing, ever. So here’s how the ceremony goes: it starts with the graduates making their grand entry with their caps and their flowing beautiful gowns and everybody stands up to honor them. And bear in mind that none of these people cured cancer or made candy good for you. They basically just sat in class and didn’t fail. Honestly, the best thing about this part of the ceremony is watching all the girls as they attempt to walk in high heels across the grass. Okay, so everyone is seated and whoever is the master of ceremonies comes on stage and says something really generic about how we’re all so excited to be here. Thank you all for… coming out today on this… very special day. Guys… congratulations… you did it. Thank you, master of ceremonies, for those prepared and hackneyed statements. Oh, and by the way, doing the clergyman routine from the Princess Bride, is not inspired. (PHONY ACCENT) Gwaduation is what bwings us together- (JEERS & HECKLING) What? Okay, so then there’s some general words of wisdom and then maybe some rich old person might come up that obviously, donated a ton of money to this school, because, who are they? Why are they up there? Nobody knows, what are they saying? So eventually, the valedictorian shows up and you’re like, “Oh, hey! Hey, I-I’m familiar with this girl. This could be good, yeah.” Guys, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are very excited to be here. Really? Are you sure that you speak for everyone? And all because you got the best grades in a one-size-fits-all system! Nice! Here are 3 things that every valedictorian speech says. Number 1: Oh my gosh, I hope I don’t forget anybody. Okay, I want to thank my parents, and I want to thank my best friend who has always been there for me, I want to thank my amazing boyfriend, who will probably feel really dumb about including when I watch this in ten years. Number 2: As I look back on the last 4 years, I am struck by just how much has changed. When I first arrived, I was using an iPhone 3GS. Can you imagine? And number 3: Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Those words have had a profound impact on my life, which is why I came to a traditional, 4-year, undergraduate program like every other privileged middle class 18-year-old. Oh, the places I will go when I’m allowed to leave this graduation. But, no such luck, because just when you thought that everything that could possibly be said at a graduation has been said, it’s time for the dreaded address to the graduating class. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Oh no. I’ll try and keep this shorter than I did last year. Yeah, if he has to say that, I hate to break it to you; it’s not going to be short. So this guy goes on for what seems like hours, talking about concepts that even 4-year-olds could grasp. Be yourself. Be an individual. It’s the job of each one of you now… to use the unique gifts and talents you’ve been given to go out in the world and change it for the better. Which is a slightly ironic message considering that it’s going out to a sea of young adults all wearing the same cap and gown outfit. So once this guy is done, we finally get to the only part of the entire ceremony that actually matters: The receiving of the diplomas! Or, the receiving of the flip-case that’s supposed to hold my diploma but it’s not in there, and I wish that it were, but, maybe it’ll come in the mail in a couple weeks. So then they ask that nobody screams or shouts or yells as the graduates’ names are called. And this is a rule that nobody, in the history of attending graduations, has ever followed. Ever. So it inevitably becomes a game of who’s going to get the loudest cheer, who’s going to get the longest cheer and, who is related to the idiot who brought the air-horn?! So then, after everyone’s name has been read, the master of ceremonies announces the graduating class of whatever year it is. Caps are flying everywhere, and everyone’s applauding, but it’s unclear if they’re applauding because they’re proud of the graduates, or because they’re just excited that they get go home. Ya-a-ay! The ceremony’s over. That was the worst one yet!