What Stephen Miller Was Like in High School – Charles Gould

What Stephen Miller Was Like in High School – Charles Gould

November 29, 2019 43 By Stanley Isaacs


– Um, I grew up
in Santa Monica, California. – [audience light cheers] – Just one?
[laughs] I grew up
in Santa Monica, California, which is getting a lot
of press now, because Stephen– I went to high school
with Stephen Miller. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. If you guys don’t know
who Stephen Miller– do we know
who Stephen Miller is? Okay, if you don’t know
who Stephen Miller is, he is a chief advisor
of Donald Trump. – WOMAN: Euh!
– [laughing] He’s a chief advisor
of Donald Trump. He cowrote the Muslim Ban. And he is the only person
that I know who is both Jewish and loved by Nazis. – [audience laughing] – So I went to high school
with him. And this reporter from
“The New York Times” hit me up, and he’s like, “Hey, I’m writing
a story about Stephen Miller. Will you talk to me about what
he was like in high school?” And I wrote back,
“Hell yeah.” – [audience cheering] – “Hell yeah, I’ll talk to ya
about that, and I’ll tell you everything
you’ve ever wanted to know.” And he goes, “Okay, cool.
Let’s meet up for dinner. And then let’s do an interview.” And I was like, “Great.” And so I showed up for dinner,
and he did this little reporter-y thing
where he was like, “Let’s eat dinner first,
and then do the interview.” And I was like, “Okay.” And then during dinner,
he’s just like, “Hey, Charles, you want
another drink? “Hey, Charles,
take another drink. Another refill on that…
Old Fashioned.” – [audience laughing] – And I’m like, “Dude,
you do not have to do this. “I’ll tell you everything
you ever wanted to know. But you know, I want
my free drinks.” – [audience laughing] – So, I’m just taking
all these drinks. And then
we finish the dinner. And he’s like,
“Okay, first question. “Was Stephen Miller bullied
a lot in high school? Because he really seems like
he was bullied all the time.” And I’m like,
“Common misconception.” And this is actually true. A lot of people ask me
that question. Stephen Miller was never bullied
in high school. Stephen Miller was the bully. Stephen Miller bullied kids
in our school who were new to this country, who were learning English
as a second language, which he bullied the kids who
are already marginalized by our society. And he continues to do that
from the White House today! – [audience cheering] – And the reporter’s eyes
get real wide. And he’s like, “Oooh.” He just like scribble, scribble,
scribble in his notepad. Scribbly-scribbly
scribbles scribbles. And he’s like, “Man, wow,
I just thought he was like bullied all the time.” And I’m like a little drunk
at this point. so I’m like, “I wish somebody
had bullied that guy “in high school, he’s never
had any consequences for “any of his racism
in his whole entire life. “If I could go back in time,
I would go back in time, I’d go up to Stephen Miller
on the quad and I’d bully him!” I’d be like, “Stephen, Stephen!
You’re a little Stephen! Stevie Stephen!” And then I’d make him watch
“Moonlight.” – [audience laughing] – [audience applause] – And yes, if I’m going
back in time, I’m bringing my copy
of “Moonlight,” okay? I don’t wanna be in a time
where I can’t watch that movie. It’s a great movie. – [audience cheering] – Uh… I see the reporter after I say
that, his eyes get real wide. And he’s like, “Oooh.” And he’s like
scribble, scribble, scribble, scribbly scribble
in his little notepad. And then we talked for like
two more hours. And let me tell you something,
I spilled the tea. – [audience laughing] – For like three more hours
on Stephen Miller. And at the end of the interview,
he goes, “Wow. You really know a lot about
Stephen Miller.” And I go, “Uh, yeah, well… he was kinda…my friend.” – [audience laughing] – “He was my friend, but I
didn’t know what I know now. “And it was just like I thought
he was doing some “performance art piece. “And as soon as I realized
he’s a genuine “like white supremacist,
sociopath, I stopped being his friend.” And then goes, “Okay.”
No scribble. – [audience laughing] – No scribbly-scribbly-scribbly
on the pad. Three weeks later, the article
comes out. Front page
of “The New York Times.” It says, “I spoke to a bunch
of Stephen Miller’s classmates “and his friend… Charles Gould.” – [audience laughing] – And nothing else. Nothing else I said the whole
entire dinner except that I’m Stephen Miller’s
friend. And I remember I saw that,
and I said to myself, “Man, I gotta start doing
standup comedy.” – [audience laughing] – I gotta get in front of
as many people as possible and tell them I am not
Stephen Miller’s friend. – [audience cheering]