Tom Segura Overdoses – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Tom Segura Overdoses – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

August 16, 2019 100 By Stanley Isaacs


– This woman goes “Hey Tom,
you are in the emergency room and you overdosed.” And they’re
like “what did you take?” So, I write,
‘Heroine.’ And they go “Are you serious?”
And, I write, “Jk.” (intense dubstep music) – [Ari Shaffir] Welcome to
‘This Is Not Happening’ presents one crazy night. So,
this is what we do. We’re a bunch of
comedians. We tell stories about a similar subject. So,
this is just one crazy night. – Give it up for
my friend and yours Mr. Tom Segura everybody!
Let him hear it! (cheering) – Thanks, Ari Shaffir,
everybody. Let him hear it. Ari Shaffir. (applause) Alright. Let’s go back to 1997. Holy shit. Fuck. That time flies. And,
I’m a freshman in college. And, Thanksgiving. Remember
Thanksgiving everybody? (laughter) That’s the first time that
you go, usually, back home. That’s your first break
in your freshman year. And, it’s a big deal,
because it’s also like a mini class reunion, because it’s the
first time you see everybody you used to go to school
with everyday. You’re back. Your first few months.
And, everybody’s recapping. And the big thing
is the next day. The day after Thanksgiving.
Everybody gets together and parties their
fucking balls off while acting like they’re
a new person. Right I start off, I find
the guy, one of the guys that didn’t go to
school, and he’s like “I’m the new drug supplier.” And,
I’m like “I remember you from math.” (laughter) And
uh, he asks me what I want and I’m like “What do
you got?” And, he goes “I have ecstasy.”
And, I go “Yeah!” “Everyone says that’s
fun, let’s try it!” (laughter) And I start taking it, and,
oh! I forgot to mention. Before I went to college,
senior year, I got really into a drug that was making its way
especially through the south, through Florida, called GHB.
And, I’m sure, I don’t know if you know what it is, it’s
gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid your body naturally produces it. Sometimes, there are
some places where they regulate it as an
anesthetic. But, basically, when you get it, somebody made
it in a bathtub (laughter) and that’s the good
stuff, alright? (laughter) And they sell it to you, and
they get it in a water bottle. They also call it the
date rape drug, I, no I didn’t do that. I gave
it to myself all the time, (laughter) it does have an
amazing effect on sex. on masturbating, let’s be
honest. On masturbating Uh, I really had some crazy
masturbation seminars. (laughter) As a senior, and then I
passed out, and I’m like “Who jerked me off?” And then
I’m like, “oh yeah, it was me” (laughter) So… anyways… Okay, so I get the
ecstasy into my system and then, I take it, I’d never
taken it, so as soon as I’d taken it, I go like “Hey, man… Fuckin’…I don’t feel
anything.” He’s like, “You just took it man, like, give it a
minute, alright?” “Alright.” So, I’m hanging out at this
party, we’re at a party everyone’s together, and then
we’re going to go to a bar and at the end of the house
party on the way to the bar I go “Hey man, I
don’t feel anything.” So he goes “Alright, when we
get to the bar, come find me and I have GHB.” So I’m
like “Okay.” So, I find him and he’s like “Alright,
let’s go the car.” And that’s always the big move when you
go to the car, you’re like ah, this is where dreams
come true, in the car. (laughter) Drug dealers cars, where it
all lives, so I’m expecting what I know, which is a
water bottle, and then a dose is the cap. So all you do, is
you pour the water into the cap, and you drink it like that, and it takes like ocean
water, like sea water, right? salt water, and then, it’s
immediate. GHB, if it’s good stuff, it’s like, we
used to call it perma-grin. Cause you’d be like
(inebriated sounds) And if someone’s
like “Fuck you!” You’re like “(happy
inebriated sounds)” (laughter) So, I’m like “Alright,
where is it?” And he goes “It’s right there!”
and he has a gallon jug. Right? And, I’m like “Wow,
that’s not a water bottle” And he’s like “Yeah, I haven’t
even put it into the water bottles yet. That’s
the full thing.” And it’s a full gallon. Now if
you think about a full gallon you know that A) the cap is
much different, it’s flatter you’re not gonna, and it’s
also heavier, so I don’t know how to pour it, so he’s
like “Just take a shot!” And I’m like
“Alright!” (laughter) So I put it up and then I go in my mind, oh shit,
I have like nine shots in my mouth right
now. (laughter) So, the options are:
do I spit it back into (laughter) the main jug, which I feel like he’s gonna be not cool with that, you know? Being that
he’s a drug dealer and all. (laughter) the other
thing would be spit it out on the ground, and I don’t
wanna be rude, right? So, I just go like (grunts) (laughter) And, I’m like “Holy fuckin’ shit, I have
taken way too much GHB.” Now, I’m leaving out the
point that you’re not supposed to mix GHB and alcohol. It is potentially fatal. You may have known this,
if you didn’t, it can be. At this point, I am on 13 or
14 drinks (audience exclaims) and it’s liquor, you know,
vodka drinks, and I’m just pounding ’em, I get the nine
shots into me, and then I walk back into the bar, and
I’m like “What’s up everybah?” Like, I’m fuckin’ (laughter).
They’re like “Where does all this personality come from?” “Ah, it’s just natural man.” And then, I sat down I remember sitting down and then a girlfriend
came, and she sat on my lap and then lights out like I
just don’t remember anything like I went to
sleep. All I remember is that I wake up, and I’m
looking at lights on a ceiling right? I’m just like “Oh,
shit, is this heaven?” And, then I see a woman come in the frame,
right? Because I’m laying on my
back. I can’t talk. I can’t move my arms. And
this woman goes, “Hey Tom, you are in the Emergency
Room, and you overdosed on drugs and now you’re
coming out of a coma.” And, I’m just like
“(unintelligible
sounds of affirmation)” (laughter) Like processing it, but the
process literally was just eyes closed, like “Ah,
shit” and my only thought was like “I hope nobody
knows.” That’s the only thing I’m thinking. (laughter) I hope nobody knows. And
then I open my eyes again and my parents
come in the frame. And I’m like “Ah, everybody
knows.” (laughter) And they look so, just like
“We thought you were a good kid what the fuck?” So, I’d
never been in trouble They won’t let your arm
out cause I would pull out the tubes. I have a tube for
breathing, I have another tube that’s pumping liquid
charcoal into my stomach because that makes the chemicals
of the drugs come together and then you also can’t
digest it, so you vomit. Which is what they
want you to do. So, as I’m like (embarrassed
whimpers), I’m also like (retching sounds) and
throwing up, right? (laughter) So, they give me a piece
of paper and a pen, but I can’t really
write normally, cause
I’m strapped down, but I can kinda chicken
scratch, and they’re like “What did you take?” Cause
they’re tryna figure out they don’t even
know what I took. So I write “Heroin.” And they go, “Are you serious?!” And I write, “Jk” (laughter) They’re not like “Good one!”
They’re like “What the fuck, are you joking right now?” (raucous laughter) So then, the kid in me, I’m
looking at my parents and I’m so worried about
them. I write on the paper I go “Are you mad at me?” – [Audience Member] Awww. And my parents, at that moment my dad reads it and goes “No,
buddy, just disappointed.” (laughter) Can you save that for when
I’m breathing on my own? Like So, I’m in that emergency
room, I get moved to critical then ICU, and in the ICU, a
doctor comes in who I hadn’t seen yet. And, I’m later told this is the doctor, they
tell me, this is the doctor that saved your life. So,
I’m sitting there in the bed and he comes in, and he goes “Are you in a band?” (laughter) And I was like
“What, man? What?” And he goes “Are you in a band?” And I was like “No, I’m
not in a fuckin’ band.” And he goes, “Well you had
enough in you to take down two drum players and a
bass player man” (laughter) And, I’m like “You, now, with
the fuckin’ jokes? Really?” (laughter) And he goes
“What did you take?” And I go, I don’t know
“I took a couple pills” I told him honestly,
“I had some drinks And, I took, uh you know, some GHB probably enough for
a whole lot of people (laughter) And he goes, “What
about the heroine?” And I go “nah, I was
just joking.” And he goes “No, you have heroine
in your system.” And I was like
“(laughs) really?” And he’s like “Yeah, you have
heroine, you have cocaine you have PCP, you also have
the same chemicals that are in um, cleaners, like
some of the, like the super duty cleaners.”
And I’m like “What the fuck, man?” And he
goes “Where’d you get your GHB from?” And I go “one of my
buddies from high school.” He’s like “yeah, he’s a good
friend. He gave you some fuckin’ WD40 to put
in your system.” So, I, you know, eventually get to breathe on my own and all this shit and then he comes back, and
they’re like “You know, the doctor” the nurse tells me
“the doctor that saved you wants to talk to you.”
And, I’m like “Alright.” And, I ask him,
“how did I survive?” And he was like, “honestly… cause you’re fat (laughter) like you’re pretty fat.” (laughter) I was like “What, man?” (laughter continues) And he goes “I mean,
a smaller person would definitely, like a
120 pound person would die halfway through this. This
is just one of the only times where it’s good to be
fat, right now” and that’s yeah, that’s why I still haven’t
lost the weight, you guys. (laughter, cheering) (upbeat electronic music) – The best part is
when he called you fat. Tom Segura everybody, keep
it going for Tom Segura. Hey everybody, I just
took a break from flying through space to tell
you to, uh, click the link over there so we get
more YouTube hits. And, don’t forget to
subscribe, so that next week when the story comes out,
you’ll get that as well. Oh, there goes a celestial
planet. Hi, planet. (staccato tones)