THE SHOW BEGINS! | Sing It! | Episode 1 (Full Episode)

October 25, 2019 0 By Stanley Isaacs

What the [bleep]? You can’t do this to me! I created “Sing It!” I birthed it from
my vagina, you [bleep]! Welcome to
“Celebration Tonight.” Television is abuzz with
the drama surrounding “Sing It!” the longest-running
television singing competition. For as long
as we can remember, the world has been captivated watching unknown singers
achieve their dreams. ♪ Baa baa, black sheep ♪ ♪ Have you any wool? ♪ ♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir,
three bags full ♪ You’re out. Ohh. Kind of liked him. And now longtime executive
producer Bradley Datner has suddenly exited the show
in what the network is calling a mutually
amicable parting of the ways. ‘Cause this is
gonna [bleep] you up! “Sing it”?
More like “Suck It!” Did you get my dick
on camera? [bleep]! Rumor has it
longtime executive producer Stacey Needles is poised
to take the helm. The show’s fate
will lie in the hands of whoever takes over
this once hit series. Hi, Megan. Which look
do you like better? Thanks, Stacey! Can you sign this
so I can learn to forge
your signature? That was Brad’s way
of doing things because
he got too lazy. I want to read
everything before
my name goes on it, except birthday cards.
Feel free to
forge those. Thanks, Stacey. Yo, man,
I don’t think so. [contestant singing] Hey. ♪ …no sound ♪ ♪ No one hears
the silent tears… ♪ How old is this one again? 16. Think we’ve
found this season’s
soprano jailbait. What’s her deal? Loves her parents,
Jesus, captain of
her softball team. Ucch. Vanilla.
We need to pimp her story. Get the writers
on it stat. You always
have a plan, Stace. Don’t drop my “Y.” ♪ So beat down on me,
beat down like a waterfall ♪ ♪ ‘Cause, baby,
I am ready to be free ♪ [singing in Korean] What is with
those gloves? Oh, she never
takes them off. Must be a Chinese
good luck thing. I’m Korean. Must be a Korean
good luck thing. Well,
good luck tonight. Mm-hmm.Konnichiwa.♪ Gee, gee, gee,
baby, baby, baby ♪ ♪ Gee, gee, gee,
baby, baby, baby ♪ Big day for you, Stacey. I got you
a little congrats gift. Thank you. It’s from my product line
that’s in beta. I’d really like
your feedback. Okay. Out. Okay. Oh, remember, Troy loves you. Peww peww peww peww. Peww. Peww. [sighs] The years paid off. Hello, hello! I have a big announcement. Stacey… I would like you
to meet Drew Davies. Hi.
Nice to meet you. Do you work
with Marcy
at the network? No. Is this
the bike messenger you’ve been
hooking up with? Oh, no. Do you want
to tell me who it is so we can get
to the big news? Actually,
I am the big news. I’m the new
executive producer
of “Sing It!” That’s my big announcement. Boom!
Captured. [laughs] Welcome to “Sing It’s”
Arab Spring, the day “Sing It!”
became relevant again. [mouths words] Oh, wait.
You’re not smiling. Let’s do that again. Yeah. ♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪ ♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪ ♪ Whoa oh ♪ ♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪ ♪ Whoa, oh oh, oh oh ♪ ♪ Whoa, oh oh, oh oh ♪ What the balls, Marcy?!
I’ve been busting my ass, and then
you step on my throat
in your Prada boats? [gasps]
Do you love ’em? I couldn’t decide
between brown or black,
so I got ’em both. Marcy, I haven’t
left this building
in years. I have missed
anniversaries, my mother’s funeral. I haven’t
had a guy inside me
that I remotely like since before Obama
was in office, and that includes
when he was
a senator. I’m sorry about your mom
and your vagina. Who is this guy? Drew made
that documentary piece about how “Sing It!”
is ruining the music industry. Does he have
any TV experience? Experience is overrated, and I can tell you that
from experience. So no show-running
background? Well, he graduated
from film school at NYU, and he was almost
nominated for an Oscar for his documentary
“The Day After Yesterday.” That’s today. Oh, my God.
I just got that. He is so deep. Okay, um, how could
you hire someone with no TV experience
to take over my show? Stacey, have you even
seen his documentary
on “Sing It”? It’s
on my Netflix queue of things
never to watch. I am
in the goddamn trenches on the goddamn floor
every goddamn night. I don’t have
time to pee, let alone watch someone
criticize my show. I know a guy who can
hypnotize you to only
pee on the weekends. That’s it.
I quit. I’m out. Stacey! Stacey, Stacey,
stay right where you are. Listen.
Drew is good for our P.R. [scoffs] Respected music snob
disses show, claims he can fix it. Network gives him
the opportunity. If the show
becomes a beast again, Drew has a notch
in his belt, and he heads off
to make more documentaries, and then we hire you
for 70% of his salary. If it’s a disaster,
we fire him. Then you take over
at 60% of his salary. So either way,
I take over. At 50% of his salary. And just so you know, this did not come from me.
It came from the higher-ups. They wanted
to shake things up, so… Okay, Drew,
Stacey is going
to show you the ropes and give you your tour. For the record, Drew, the folks up top
did not want
a big shake-up. I fought hard
for you. Whoever was
in here before had a lot of
“Sing It! mementoes. Pretty maudlin,
right? Let’s get this tour
over with so I can
get back to work. Oh. Who’s this
handsome fella? Troy Blue,
Meet Drew Davies.TheDrew Davies, as in “‘Sing It!’
is cancer to music, but could be cured,”
Drew Davies? I have a noose
in my office with
your name on it. He’s our new
executive producer.TheDrew Davies? [laughs] As in
the brilliant filmmaker? Oh, wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what
I meant was– is–is–is–is–is–
is that I have a noose-paper in-in my office
with your name on it, so you can just
swing on by and– Ooh, is that
your special lady? Yep, that’s my Nina,
four years strong. She’s in Sierra Leone. She’s working with
Doctors Without Borders, curing Ebola patients. Ohh! And I just
shook your hand. I haven’t seen her
in six months. Ohh! And I just
shook your hand? Nah, I’m just
messing with you. [whispers]
I masturbate, too. Well, as the irreplaceable
face of “Sing It!” I present to you this basket
of expensive lotions as a welcome gift, so enjoy the pineapple. It’s fromMéxico.Okay, so this
is grunt city, P.A.s, researchers,
assistants. Got it.
Gonna meet and greet. Great. Hey, boss. As your
new assistant, I brought you
a coffee as
a peace offering. Well, you’re
gonna want to give it
to Genius Bar over there. He’s your new boss. I know. Troy already
tweeted it. I just wanted
to make you say it. Drew, meet Luke Crane,
your new assistant. Oh, okay. Cool. Oh. Paralysis is cool. Spinal-cord injuries
are cool. What, you’re gonna
go meet up with your
hipster buddies
tonight, brag about what
a generous guy you
are while you eat your artisanal
street tacos,
aren’t you? So openhearted. Hmm. You know,
I didn’t realize that my initial
response to somebody
in a wheelchair being my personal assistant
was to placate and pretend like it
wasn’t a concern. That was false of me. I strive for better. I look forward
to working with you, Luke. Sweet.
That’s sweet. This is home
away from home. Stacey, here’s that
audition highlight reel you were asking for. Great. [singing poorly]
♪ Girl ♪ ♪ I’m afraid
to tell you ♪ ♪ That I want you,
baby ♪ [half-singing]
♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪ ♪ Of thee, I sing ♪ ♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪ ♪ How I wonder what ♪ …you are. How is this
a highlight reel? These people are abysmal. The audience loves it. That’s why
we pay them to suck. You do what? We hire actors
to be bad. Sorry, abysmal. You’re in charge,
and you don’t know the most obvious thing
about reality television? Well, I know
it needs to stop. ♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪ ♪ In the treetop… ♪ Anyway, this is
typically where we
watch the show from. No, no, no, no. There are
too many barriers. This control room gets between us
and the singers. The overblown
production gets between
the singers
and the audience. We need to tear down
those barriers if we want
the viewers to connect
to the music. Or we could just
go to everyone’s house
and sing to them. Well, if the ratings
get any lower, we might actually
have to do that. WOMAN: I don’t
give a rat’s ass
about excuses! We have a day
to make, people! Do you hear me?! Even though we all hate
the new douche-bag E.P., you need to get it together
for the show tonight! First impressions matter! [cheerful]
Okay, lunch. Enjoy your meal, guys.
Work hard, relax hard. Oh, Stacey. Sorry.
I’ll get back to work. Uh, hold on. Someone I
want you to meet. I’m the new
douche bag that everybody
already hates. Oh, my God. Idiot. I am so sorry. Kori’s
the stage manager. Oh, and what does
a stage manager do? She finishes your tour. [sighs] Hi.
Really, I’m so sorry. It’s okay. I know I need
to prove myself and learn
from everybody,
yourself included. No producer has ever
wanted to learn
from me before. Are you
trying to seduce me? No, I’m not. Oh. What’s with Stacey? Can you explain
the unrelenting ‘tude? Probably not my place
to say this, but, uh, everybody
just assumed that Stacey
would be taking over. She’s worked years
for this. Oh, how did I
not pick up on that? [scoffs]
Idiot. Sorry. Hey. I brought you some coffee. What’s this? A peace offering. [sighs] Stacey, I had no idea
that they gave me your job. It was never my job. Well, I know that if
this happened to me, I would hate me, too, and I don’t want you
to hate me. This is an unfair situation
for both of us. Ohh. Well,
I can see how
this sucks for you. It does. ‘Cause the person I need
to count on the most already wants to shove
Troy’s mike up my ass. Stacey, your “Sing It!” app
is ready to go! An app? Like it.
What’s it for? Uh, it’s just something
I’ve been working on. It lets the audience
vote for their
favorite contestant. That’s great! One glitch. I’m getting rid
of audience voting. Run that
by me again? These shows are always
won by a pretty face or a splashy costume. I mean, we can’t be
music prom anymore. So let me
get this straight. You’re taking away
the one thing that engages
an already
dwindling audience? From now on,
the audience
doesn’t vote. The judges do. Excuse me
just one moment. [screams] If I had known
that being a judge would involve
actual judging, I never would have
agreed to do this. No, I sit. I look pretty. Or hungover. Uh-huh. And then the audience
has to be the bad guy. I–I will
not be your bad guy. I don’t want you
to be the bad guy. I want you
to be the real guy. There’s only two judges, so if we don’t
vote the same,
you’re screwed. That’s why,
starting next week, I’m bringing in
a third guest judge. I’m calling my agent. #PopStarsLivesMatter. Holli, when you
split with Destiny,
you self-destructed. People waited for you
to be the next train wreck, to shave your head or
throw eggs at your neighbors. Are you
trying to neg me? ‘Cause it’s
kind of working. You had one of the best
solo pop albums ever, “Holli-Luyah.” Oh, some may
call it pretentious. Look who’s talking. I found it
to be genius. A pop star who writes
her own songs? The people need
to rediscover the real you, and in the process,
you will help find
the next Holli. [sobs]
Okay, I’ll do it! Ahh! What about you, Barry? Oh, people
take me seriously. I’m one of
the most successful record producers
of all time. I have a house
in Malibu I built
just for my Grammys. Yeah, but you don’t
even produce anymore. Your only contribution
to young talent in the last five years
has been anxiety
and eating disorders. Tell me about it. He said, “Young.” See, this is what
I’m talking about. You’ve become
a caricature. You have an opportunity to be one of the only judges
on a singing show who actually judges. Just your
extraordinary taste and expertise. Come on, Barry. Go on this journey
with me. You really care
about the music? It’s my whole existence. [sobs]
Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll do– No, but seriously,
I’ll do it. Seriously? [theme music playing] ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, yeah ♪ Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Come on, now! Hello, everybody! Welcome back to… “Sing It!” “Sing It!” After an interesting and grueling
audition process, Now comes
everyone’s favorite part, where we crush more dreams. We’re about to go
from 12 contestants down to our 10 finalists,
who will earn their colors. And for the first time
ever, the judges hold
all the cards. And may I add this
also gives more weight
to the competition. You can’t just get by
on a pretty face and a $5,000 suit. Isn’t that right, Troy? AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ooh. More fun buddy banter
from me and Barry later. [cheering] [music playing] ♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪ Whoo! ♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪ ♪ How was
I supposed to know ♪ ♪ That something
wasn’t right, yeah? ♪ ♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪ ♪ I shouldn’t
have let you go ♪ ♪ But now you’re
out of sight, yeah ♪ ♪ Show me
how you want it to be ♪ ♪ Tell me, baby,
’cause I need to know now ♪ ♪ Oh, because ♪ ♪ My loneliness
is killing me ♪ ♪ And I, I must confess ♪ ♪ I still believe ♪ ♪ Still believe ♪ ♪ When I’m not with you,
I lose my mind ♪ ♪ Give me a sign ♪ ♪ Hit me, baby,
one more time ♪ [cheering] You’ve been getting to know
the hopefuls all night. Let’s finally meet
our youngest, Maisy Kelly. [display sputters] That is not Maisy. [laughs] Ah, damn it. We have a corrupt file.
Move. What do you want us
to do, Drew? Uh, we–we could… [laughs] Um… we–we could– we could, uh– Stall, Troy.
We have a glitch. Thank you. Interesting factoid,
ladies and gentlemen– Maisy Kelly
is only 16 years old, which makes her
the youngest contestant to make it this far
in “Sing It!” history. Holli, Barry,
thoughts on that? Fixed.
We’re good, Troy. Never mind. Well,
let’s get to know Maisy. [applause]
Go, Maisy! Whoo! TROY: When little Maisy
was born, she could not speak. We loved
our little angel, but we never thought
we’d hear her voice. Even her cries
were silent. TROY: But then one morning,
everything changed. I was in the kitchen
singing the “Thong Song,” and all of a sudden,
she started to hum along. And those hums turned
into full-on singing. She never looked back. JON: Music gave Maisy
her voice, and we could not be
more proud of how far
it’s taken us. Her, I mean. -Of course her.
-Yeah. [sighs]
That was beautiful. Don’t tell me.
Tell the writers. Are you telling me
that was fabricated? Dude, seriously,
how do you not know
these things? Is nothing
on this show real? Troy’s suit
really is $5,000. That is the last time
we produce anything on this show
that isn’t 100% real. ♪ You know I had lost hope ♪ ♪ I was all alone ♪ ♪ Never been so low
until you came along ♪ ♪ Teacher, I can feel
the dots connecting ♪ ♪ So beat down on me ♪ ♪ Beat down like a waterfall ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I can take on ♪ ♪ So much more
than I had ever dreamed ♪ ♪ So beat down on me, beat
down like a waterfall ♪ ♪ ‘Cause, baby,
I am ready to be free ♪ ♪ Now I am invincible ♪ ♪ No, I ain’t a scared
little girl no more ♪ ♪ Yeah, I am invincible ♪ ♪ What was I running for? ♪ ♪ I was hiding from the world ♪ ♪ I was so afraid,
I was so unsure ♪ ♪ Now I am invincible ♪ ♪ Another perfect storm ♪ [cheering] 10 of you will be
represented by a color that will be your beacon
through the season. But for two of you, the world is
about to fade to black. TROY: Judges. I thought
all of you did– I thought all of you
were really, really
so talented, all of you,
and none of you
should go home. None of–
No one should ever
go home. I– I’m so–I think
you’re great, and I didn’t–
I wasn’t prepared to choose to do–
to choose what– to choose–Hahh! I need a Xanax. Ahh! Ahh! [gasps] Where’s my Xanax? Troy, throw to commercial. We’ll be back
right after this breakdown. I mean break. Stacey,
why did you break? Holli’s struggle
is real. Walk with me. You do realize
you’re in charge, right? On live TV, you need
to deal with things
immediately. But things
need to play out. It’s more earnest
to see the angst and pain from which great music
is born. Oh, my God. How much
did your parents pay for that
pretentious bullshit? [blubbering]
No, no, no. I cannot be the reason
that some failed singer becomes a drug addict. Remember what I said,
Holli, about people’s
perceptions of you? And now their perception
of me will be that I’m a dream-sucking
vampire bitch. Holli, don’t look at it
like you are taking away
someone’s dream. Look at it like you
are giving a dream
to 10 deserving people. [sniffles]
So I’m like a–
a dream genie? Like Xtina,
but before all the confusing
sexual preferences. STACEY: Yeah. Yeah. Don’t let
a deserving person
get screwed. That’s happened
enough today. Get back onstage. [sighs] That was really good. I do what
I have to do. The show means
everything to me. See, I love that drive, but getting rid of voting
and fake stories is just the beginning
of what I need to do here. And you’ve proven
to me today that I’m gonna need
to have you onboard. Right. Okay. TROY: And with
the judges’ eliminations, it is time. Let’s meet our Top 10! With flash and showmanship,
with a style all his own, get on up, Freddy Traymont. At only 16 years old,
Maisy Kelly. A former bus driver,
Crystal Carl. She’s been street performing
to pay for community college, Adeline Murphy. A married couple competing
against each other, Darrell and Darcy Docket. He crept into America
from the North, Magnus Erikson. A rocker ready to prove that metal singers
have talent, too, Zack Tribbet. An Orthodox Jew rapping
his way into your hearts, as long
as it’s not on the Sabbath, Shimon Rabinowitz. Her trademark gloves
and energetic voice make her a real contender,
Sophie Chu. There you have it, your final 10 contestants
for this season of… “Sing It!” “Sing It!” [cheering] Yeah! This is gonna be… This is gonna be… the best season ever. the worst season ever. [music playing] CROWD: Potvin sucks!