Thank You Notes: Graduation Ceremonies, Five Guys
-I was running
a little bit behind. You guys mind if I write out my weekly thank you notes
right now? [ Cheers and applause ] Fabulous.
I love you guys. Thank you so much. Diego, can I have some thank you
note writing music, please? -Wow.
-Gracias. -Looks like he might be
a senior White House adviser. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪ Thank you, President Trump, for being worse
at keeping secrets than an 8-year-old who knows
about a surprise party. [ Laughter ] “Um, um, they’re right in there, and they’re waiting with
the presents and everything.” -There’s no reason all the
lights are off in this room. -There’s lots of balloons. ♪♪ Thank you,
Instagram’s new selfie filters for being a great way to add
extra flair to your photos or, as Snapchat put it, “been there,
threw rainbows up on that.” [ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh, snap. -Did it already. [ Laughter ] Thank you,
graduation ceremonies, or as people whose last names
start with “Z” call you, hell on Earth. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -Zed Zinnerman. -From “A” to “Z” as well. [ Laughter ] Zed Zinnerman. -I’m Zeddlin. -Thank you, Pepsi’s
new cinnamon-flavored soda, Pepsi Fire. Even the cops that’s in
Kendall Jenner’s ad was like, “Eh, no thanks.” [ Laughter ] -Enough! [ Laughter ] -You have any feelings
about Pepsi Fire, Tariq? -I mean, you know, I’m —
I’m — I’m over it. -You’re over it?
-Yeah. -What are you talking about?
Hasn’t even started yet. -You’re with it before.
-You’re living through it. -I’m already over it. Every summer they come out,
you know, with a whole campaign. -Yeah.
-You know what I’m saying. Yeah, cinnamon Pepsi. If I wanted spicy soda that’s
gonna make my stomach hurt, I don’t know.
I’d go to Taco Bell. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -What? What? -The great American — -What the heck
is he talking about? He’s lost his mind.
[ Applause ] -“I’ll go to Taco Bell”?
-He’s lost his mind. Whatever. Whatever — Here we go — -I don’t understand. [ Laughter ] It’s the hat. -Thank you,
Cannes Film Festival, or is it pronounced “can”? “Cans”?
Ugh, I Cannes never remember. [ Laughter ] I Cannes never remember — -I Cannes do it. That film’s in the Cannes. -Thank you, ABC, for coming out with
a new show called “Dancing With the Stars Junior.” Which combines America’s
three favorite things — celebrities, dancing,
and judging children. [ Laughter ] “That was bad.” -“You’re so bad.”
-“You’re awful.” -“Get out of here.
Quit crying.” -“3 out of 10 stars. Leave.” -“Take your diaper with you.” [ Laughter ] -Why would the kid leave
the kid’s diaper there? Yeah.
-“Get out of here. Scar them now.”
-“Go crawl somewhere else.” [ Laughter ] Thank you, caterpillars, for transforming into
butterflies. Or as other insects put it, “Somebody got some work done.” [ Laughter ] Just saying. -Just saying. -Thank you, pecans, for looking like walnuts that went on “Extreme Makeover
Nut Edition.” [ Laughter and applause ] Pee-can? -I say both.
-Pe-cahn. -I say pe-cahn,
and I say pee-can pie. -What do you guys say?
Is it pee-can or is it pe-cahn? [ Audience responds ] Hot-button issue. -Wow. -What is it — pecan pie. What do you say, Quest? -Pee-cahn.
-What do you say? -I say pe-cahn. -Pee-cahn? [ Laughter ] No one says pee-cahn. -Don’t ask Tariq.
Don’t ask Tariq. -It’s pe-cahn, it’s pee-can,
or pecan’t. -I amalgamate them both. -Pee-cahn.
-Peek-on. -He calls it a peek-on.
-Wow. -That sounds like
a weird mission from the Army or something. We’re on peek-on. -We’re on peek-on 1. -I can’t — -I pe-cahn’t — -Please, I pe-can’t. [ Laughter ] -You pe-can do it. [ Laughter ] -Thank you, Five Guys, for accurately
describing my weight after eating at Give Guys. There you go right there.
Those are my thank you notes.