On the App

On the App

August 26, 2019 100 By Stanley Isaacs


MADISON: “College is the reward for surviving high school.” I read that on Pinterest but I found that to be mostly true. CAMERON: It’s SO true. Well, if you factor out student debt and the declining value of a bachelor’s degree, then it’s a hell of a reward. High school is where puberty sprouts its awkward head. But college is where you fully blossom. It’s the land of opportunity. MADISON: Opportunity for countless interaction. Think about it: tens of thousands of people your age concentrated in one tiny campus. You’re constantly surrounded by people with different backgrounds, CAMERON: People with similar interests, there’s opportunity to make life-long friends, MADISON: And to make lasting memories. Opportunity to… date, CAMERON: And to fall in love. MADISON: But none of this compares to the opportunity for more: MORE in the real world. CAMERON: Post-grad: the land of more independence, more money, more people, more love. And I couldn’t have been more wrong. MADISON: It’s the exact opposite. You have less money because it’s all going to FICA. CAMERON: Less independence because you move back in with your parents. [FEMALE VOICE] Less friends because they moved back to their hometowns. [MALE VOICE] And less interaction in general. You know I talked to 2.5 people today, none my age and all of them had kids. One of them being me! Omma! (Mom!) And none of this helps my completely non-existent love life. [grunts] Why didn’t anybody warn me that BOTH: post-grad sucks? Why didn’t I take advantage of college? EARL: What did you expect? You went from living in a place that had floor after floor of friends and females ready to mingle to living in a place that has less than 10 people your age within a 5 mile radius, all of whom went to high school with you, who still remember you as the kid who shit his pants in bed. – Hey! I don’t go to Chipotle anymore. – God, I’m so glad I didn’t go to college to get my expectations effed up. WENDY: Mmm, I’m so glad I met Jacob in college. Dating after college sounds dreadful. – Yeah, I’m really happy for you too. – You know, if you’re having trouble dating, maybe you should try Tindr? – Maybe you should try Grindr? I-I mean Tindr. I always do that. – I want more than just hookups. WENDY: Maddie, there’s so much more to online dating than just casual sex these days. A ton of people find love on the apps. [mutters] So I’ve been told. And it’s not even like an alternative anymore, it’s just common practice. – Guess it couldn’t hurt to start a profile? – Don’t worry, I already did. – What?! – Whoa, she’s cute. – Yeah? – Yeah. – Well maybe she thinks YOU’RE cute. [chuckles]
[cellphone rings] Oh, she’s a bot. But dude, trust me, there’s a ton of REAL cute girls on here, right? Don’t worry. WENDY: You’ll be matching with quality guys in no time. Just gotta weed out the mismatches. – How many mismatches? -Well… [plucked instrumental strings] [cellphone rings] [notification sound] [cellphone rings] [notification sound] [notification sound] [notification sound] [notification sound] [notification sound] [notification sound] [notification sound] [flurry of notification sounds] [bell sound] BOTH: Do you just want to meet up? [ambient restaurant noise, with EDM music playing in the background] – Strange choice of music for this restaurant. – Yeah, it’s a little weird. Unpopular opinion but I’m not really a fan of EDM music. – Me neither. You know, it all sounds so repetitive. I feel like every Chainsmokers song sounds exactly the same. – Totally. [nervous chuckle] So, are you hungry? – Not really. I actually had another dinner date right before this, with a different match. Umm, I’m being sarcastic. – Oh!
[awkward chuckle] – Yeah, no, that was – that was dumb. – No! No, that wasn’t lame. It was… funny. – Did you have any trouble getting here? – No, no it was easy. I live like 5 minutes away so.
– Ahh. Lucky you! [more awkward chuckles] – Where do you live? – I live with my parents. – Oh.
[laughs] – I’m being serious. – Mhm. Yeah, uhh… I-I thought that you were being sarcastic… again. – Right, yeah, that would make sense. But, no. – I don’t think living with your parents is funny, it’s-it’s smart, if anything. I mean you’re probably saving a lot of money. WAITER: Here ya go! Watch out, the plates are hot! [MADISON] Thank you. [WAITER sighs] How is everything? – I don’t know. You just gave it to us. [WAITER exhales] He’s probably gonna check in every 5 minutes. – I hate that. – I know. – You do? – Yeah, you told me over-attentive waiters are your biggest pet peeve? – Umm… No I didn’t. – Uhh… Yeah, you messaged me that the other day? – I think you might be confusing me with another girl? – No, I-I think that was you? WAITER: Ah, how is everything? MADISON: Great. Uh, where’s your restroom? [telephone dial tone] [phone picks up]
WENDY: How’s it going? Do you like him? Should I book a wedding venue? – Slow down, Wendy. The only thing we have clicked on so far is a mutual hatred for the Chainsmokers. – You don’t like the Chainsmokers? – You thought I did? – I don’t know! But, you should probably look over that profile I made for you. – It doesn’t even matter, he just confused me with another girl on the app. – He did what?! Oh, hell no. Get out of there. – Are you sure? It could just be an honest mistake? – Uh uh. He’s just one of those guys who’s losing track because he’s juggling multiple women with no regard for anyone but himself. If he can’t even give you a hundred percent of his attention over dinner, then he doesn’t even deserve you at all! I’m on my way. – Wendy, wait. I-I don’t- MADISON: Uh, where’s your restroom? – She definitely told me.
[phone clicks] So much for hating the Chainsmokers. [cellphone rings] [sad piano music] – So, I’m gonna go. But, uhh, here’s fifty – that should cover everything. – No, I was planning on paying for dinner. WAITER: How is everything? BOTH: We’re fine. – You know, just because I live with my parents doesn’t mean I can’t afford this meal. – No, I just think that you might be better suited with one of your other matches. So, it’s nice to meet you Cameron. – Are you still here? – He was messaging other matches in the middle of our date. – She thinks I’m a broke low-life because I live with my parents. BOTH: Screw online dating. – The guys are too entitled. – The girls are too picky. -Too fake.
– Too judgemental. BOTH: I need to meet somebody in real life. – I was afraid this was gonna happen. If you wanna abandon the apps, and meet people out in the wild, you’re gonna need my help. – How are you gonna help me? – Well, it’s not so much a question of “how?”, but rather, [marker screeches on whiteboard] a question of “where?”. I’ve concluded that there are a total of four places: places of inebriation, errands, enrichment, and work. But be warned: each comes with its own unique challenges. It is no walk in the park. Although, a park could be a good place to meet someone. That would go under “errands”. [upbeat music] [exhales] – So you wanna still meet someone outside of college, but it still needs to resemble college. – Right, somewhere where there’s a lot of people my age. – In close proximity. – And know how to have fun, let loose. – With the help of hard alcohol. I know just the place. – Hey! Hope you guys enjoyed that first episode of “Dating After College”. Come back next Wednesday to watch episode 2. – But if you can’t wait a whole week, you can actually binge watch the entire series right now by becoming a Silver or Gold careholder through our Patreon page. – OR, you could purchase the whole series on Vimeo for just $10. Links to both options are listed down below. – Yeah, we actually did the same thing for our last show, “Yappie”, and you guys seemed to really enjoy having this option to support us and our content more directly, since projects like this, which are really big – we actually need stuff funded and that’s really hard to do. But regardless of how you choose to watch this series, we just want to say thank you for giving us your time and supporting original narrative content here on YouTube. – Check out our new merch and consider joining our Patreon community to enable more projects like this one. We’ll see you next time. – Later! Episode 2, next week!