My Evil Piano Teacher
[Discordant piano notes and loud sobbing] [Morbid piano chord intro] Hello Internet, I’d like to tell you a story about dreams and how they get crushed and die. A lot of you guys know that I play the piano …badly. (plays Twinkle Twinkle Little Star like a innocent Phillip ) It’s not something my family forced me to do when I was younger I actually decided to start learning myself, when I was twelve, when I saw something so beautiful, and inspiring, that it changed my life forever; An episode of ‘Arthur’. I am not joking, this is what made me want to learn piano. (Arthur playing Für Elise and then comes onto the screen to show his love ) I was just so genuinely moved by Arthur the Aardvark playing ‘Für Elise’ and thought he was so damn cool which, you know, obviously he is, and just wanted to BE like him that I asked my Mum if I could have piano lessons. Now, my family couldn’t afford to buy a proper piano or… anything generally, so I had to wait several months until Christmas when I got this shitty keyboard – you know the one. The one that they had in all the schools that does the: DJ! and the (suggestive “mmmm”) and the (sexual “yeahh”) Yeah, I spent the first few months pretty much just making sex noises. But then it was finally time to get lessons and fulfill my dream of becoming an aardvark. I spent weeks saving up money by doing jobs for my family and my neighbours, and found there was a piano teacher on my street: A little old lady who had been a tutor for about fifty years. Now, you may be wondering why I made out like this was a bad story and why this all sounds quite past tense. After all, if I started learning twelve years ago, surely I’m some incredible pianist by now? nOPE, because I quit after eight weeks. Now, why would I quit something that I was genuinely inspired to do and still love to this day? Easy; My piano teacher was an evil fUCKING MONSTER WHO CRUSHED MY SPIRIT LIKE AN ELEPHANT TRAMPLING ON A SWEET INNOCENT FLOWER [Crickets chirping] [Mumbling inner monologue] Take it easy. What first appeared to be a kind grandma teaching children the joys of music turned out to be a sadistic witch passing the time until her lonely death by shredding children’s aspirations to pieces. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA *sith powers* This is an accurate recreation of the first time we met: [Singing] I’m gonna learn the pian-ee and then I’ll be cool and finally have friends! [Elderly woman’s voice] Sit. Hi, my name is – (triggered) SPEAK when spoken to. *gulps* (condescendingly) You want to play the piano, do you? …Yes? [Cackling, which gets louder and louder until it resembles an evil laugh] There was something bloody wrong with her; to this day, I have never met someone as relentlessly miserable, negative, and frankly CREEPY as this piano teacher. Here are some of the various things she ACTUALLY said to me: Show me your hands. Hmm, ugly fat fingers, that’s not promising. [sound effect] I teach classical ONLY, none of this pop rubbish that you’ll want to play, and I choose. Oh, I taught myself how to play ‘Für Elise’. (proud) Really? (doubtful) Well, let me hear you play it. [Takes a deep breath, then plays one note of ‘Für Elise’] Stop! Awful, I don’t know if it’s possible to unlearn that, frankly. But it’s my favourite song! I’d love to learn to play it properly – It’s a terrible song, I hate it. It is easily the worst thing Beethoven ever composed. [sound effect] [Singing nervously] Piano’s still fun, fun, fun, not afraid or crying at night. [Annoyed] You are four minutes late! Sorry, I had to wash my neighbour’s car to get money for today’s lesson. If you can’t afford it, then don’t waste my time. I’m not doing this for fun! [Crying] Literally, exact quotes that have stuck with me for over a decade. [Sarcastically] I wonder why? She was the guy from ‘Whiplash’, except I had no talents to refine. Any aspect that I might have thought would be fun about learning an instrument just turned into something that I was doing wrong, and, to be honest, learning to read sheet music just felt like another piece of homework that I had to do after school. I’d actually do Maths homework to procrastinate from practicing piano out of fear. That’s heavy. Now, I bet you’re thinking, ‘Alright Dan, where’s this going? Is she gonna redeem herself with a tragic backstory, or maybe you’ll both rescue a cat out of a tree together and become best friends?’ Nope, no idea, she was just a total dick. I hope you’re somebody that laughs at other people’s misfortunes, you’re not just sat there with a sad face already, ’cause this is just gonna keep going downhill. The moment she completely lost me, though, was when she went to the bathroom once in a lesson and I used the opportunity to snoop around her house, obviously, looking for some kind of proof that she was a super-villain or alien… Your son was killed by a falling piano. No, you were married to a piano, but then he died – No, you wanted to be a piano, but you were born in a human body. … and decided to open her fridge, ’cause, you know, obviously, that’s where everybody keeps their secrets, and, I shit you not, this was by far the weirdest thing in this whole ordeal, her entire fridge was filled with meat. Just meat. No vegetables, no milk, no condiments of any kind, just individual bits of meat in boxes. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope… [Fridge door slams] In hindsight, she could have totally been a cannibal or something. I have no idea why I didn’t mention this to anyone. For two months, twice a week, I was subjected to her abuse in the terrifying, dusty meat cave and paying for it myself, until, one day, I had a profound realisation. [Sighs] *realization ding* Wait a minute, if I saved my money, I could have bought a PS2 by now! Pfft, fuck this! And I just didn’t turn up to the lesson. I went home, watched an episode of ‘Arthur’ with a bag of crisps, and didn’t do my Math homework either. No related reason, I just didn’t like my Maths teacher. [With an Irish accent] Shut up, okay? Right, today lads, we’re going to be talking about surds. [Normal voice] I felt like I finally beat the cycle of manipulative behaviour and the joy was beginning to return to my life when suddenly, like the climax of a really weird movie, she turned up outside my house. [Knocking and sinister music] Hello? I never considered that she’d come to me; I didn’t know this bat could walk, I just assumed that she grew out of the floor by her piano like some weird fungus. I realised that if I ever wanted to get even with her, now was the chance. I was home alone, just me and the teacher with no one around to see what I’d do, so you know what I did? I hid. I ran upstairs and literally cowered under the bed. [Panicked breathing] I was fucking terrified of her! I didn’t care if she wasn’t strong enough to open the door by herself, or if shuffling up the street to my house used what little life force she had left from sucking the souls out of innocent babies, I was not confronting her, so I hid for about an hour, and she left, and I never spoke to her again. No more piano, no more piano, no more piano! [Babbles as sinister music intestifies] Ah, whatever! I told my parents she moved to Scotland or something, and I decided that instead, I would spend my money on something that would make me happy: a pet hamster. *cheering sound effect* And we all know how well that worked out, don’t we? [nervous laugh] Oh, rest in peace, Suki. Jesus, I had a traumatising childhood, didn’t I? And there we go, my parents never found out why I stopped my lessons, I didn’t speak to the evil piano teacher ever again, and I didn’t get round to learning how to read sheet music or improving in any way, so now I just learn songs that I like by ear and play them really badly. [plays Mia and Sebastian’s Theme from ‘La La Land’ end] [bell sounds, applause] But now, after literally ten years, I think I’m finally over it and I’m actually considering getting lessons again, which is why I decided to film this, and hey, this time, if the teacher’s mean to me, I’ll tell my Mum! Instead of just suffering in silence. Which I did quite a lot as a child. I guess the point I’m making in this video is don’t let anybody crush your spirit, find somebody positive that will nurture your talent and inspire you, and Arthur had a bigger impression on me as a child than any adult. *realises how crap life is* The End. *outro* Well, that was really like a public therapy session, wasn’t it? Eh, who am I kidding, that’s this entire channel, isn’t it? Leave a comment down below this post telling me any stories that you might have about any insane, or maybe inspiring, teachers that have a more just ending than mine hopefully, and I will read those later. Thanks. If you want more slightly too personal stories from somebody less functional than yourself then you can click here to subscribe to my channel, and make sure you ding that bell to get notifications when I upload. Also, make sure you check out the videos that I am uploading to my side channel each week, which are hour-long livestreams where I have deep, philosophical, intimate conversations about things which you might enjoy if you want to see another side of me, and yeah, Arthur is furry propaganda designed to brainwash our children and that is all. Bye!