Modern Educayshun

September 1, 2019 0 By Stanley Isaacs


Welcome. Ignore that. It will end. Now, our first question 1 + 1 Yes Two Incorrect Yes? Multiculturalism. Well done, Simon. Next question What is 3 x 3? Yes? 9? Wrong! Yes, Penelope. Gender equality? Very good, Penelope. Is this a joke? You think gender equality is a joke? No, but isn’t this a math class? Don’t be so racist! I just asked a question! We don’t ask questions! Questions are offensive! Yeah! Now students, I trust you have all completed your research assignments. And remember the person with the highest mark will be flying to New York to present their paper at the World Mathematic Summit. Well done, Penelope. 6/10. You too, Simon. 6/10. Hey! Be careful! You’ve been staring at her for ten seconds! What? It is a form of harassment to stare at a woman for more than 15 seconds straight! And when I use the term straight, I don’t want to offend any persons of a non-traditional sexual preference. And when I use the term “non-traditional”, I don’t mean to offend any persons who oppose… historically normalized… OK, I get it! Unfortunately, Sunshine, your research assignment is only worth a 1/10. I’ve used Fourier transform in mathematical methods in electronics to analyze the electro-diagrams of at risk patients and calculate their risk of experiencing a heart attack. I mean, it’s a new method but it could potentially save thousands of lives. 7. You barely even read it. You used red pen. What? Red is considered offensive in many religions. Why would you belittle everything down to a singular color… …when humanity is a rainbow of beauty and spirituality? Yeah! OK, fine, 7/10! But that still means I get to go to the summit, right? The marking process isn’t over yet. Now, because we live in a society based on equality The total amount of marks ought to be divided equally among our students. You’ve got to be kidding me! Well done, students, we’re all equal We’re all average! Yay! But then who gets to go to the summit? We haven’t added our privilege points yet! Don’t you know anything? That is correct. Now, Penelope, you are female, so that’s +1 privilege point. However you are white, so that’s -1. I’m also bisexual. +1, that leaves you with a total score of 6/10. Simon, unfortunately you’re straight, white and male and cis-gender… Yes, so that’s -4 privilege points, which leaves you with a total score of 1. It’s only fair. Now, you. You’re male and I don’t like you, so that’s -2 privilege points But you are brown and sexually ambiguous. So that’s +2. That leaves you with a total score of 5. Wait, why am I sexually ambiguous? And finally Sunshine! Hum… I’m gay, I’m trans, I’m asian I’m overweight, I’m lower class, I’m unintelligent, unattractive I’ve got hairs on my nipples And I also got body odor. And I can’t really run properly or tie my shoelaces by myself. And I once watched a pigeon die. Wonderful, Sunshine. That’s 13 privilege points! That leaves you with a total score of 18/10! Well done, Sunshine, you’re going to New York! Hurray Sunshine! We knew you could do it! Let me see this! They’ve just written “Equality” and drawn love hearts on a piece of paper! He expressed himself and it’s beautiful! He didn’t even spell “Equality” correctly! We don’t discriminate! This has nothing to do with mathematics! You think you’re so great with your maths and your science and your facts? What about feelings, huh? Yeah, feelings are more important than facts! Yeah! This is wrong! You’re all crazy! Stop violating me with your different opinion! I have the right to speak my mind! No, we have the right not to be offended! And that’s more important! And if you don’t stop verbally assaulting us, we will be forced to attack you in self-defense! You can’t do that. Actually, we have every right to do so. And it’s illegal for you to fight back. Yeah! This is insane. Prepare to die, and know that social justice won. Death! Sunshine! Welcome! Ignore that, it will end.