Meanwhile… One Kid’s Legendary Graduation Photos

Meanwhile… One Kid’s Legendary Graduation Photos

October 14, 2019 100 By Stanley Isaacs


FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT TIME OVER
THERE STITCHING THE BOLTS OF BIG NEWS CLOTH INTO MY NIGHTLY,
ULTRA-HIGH FASHION, MADE-TO-MEASURE COUTURE
MONOLOGUE. BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I
LIKE TO DIG DEEP DOWN IN THE BARGAIN BIN, FISH OUT THE OLD
T-SHIRTS AND ACID-WASHED JEANS, CUT ‘EM UP, STUFF ‘EM WITH
COTTON, PIN SOME MISMATCHED BUTTONS ON FOR EYES, AND SEW
THEM INTO THE NOVELTY SOCK PUPPET THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
“MEANWHILE!” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE’S NOTHING TO BE DONE. I CAN FEEL THE WHEELS COMING
OFF. I CAN FEEL THEM COMING OFF. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, HAVE YOU NAMED YOUR SCHOOL AFTER ROBERT E. LEE, THE
GENERAL WHO BETRAYED OUR COUNTRY AND LOST A WAR? A LOT OF SCHOOLS NAMED AFTER THE
CONFEDERATE GENERAL WANT TO REBRAND, BUT CHANGING ALL THE
SIGNS IS VERY EXPENSIVE, SO THE SOLUTION, THEY ARE FINDING, IS
PICKING SOMEONE WITH A SIMILAR NAME. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE THIS FORMER ROBERT E. LEE ELEMENTARY, WHICH SIMPLY CHANGED
“ROBERT E.” TO ADELAIDE LEE. THAT’S GREAT. NOW, INSTEAD OF KIDS HAVING TO
SAY “I GO TO ROBERT E. LEE ELEMENTARY,” NOW THEY CAN SAY
“YOU REMEMBER ROBERT E. LEE ELEMENTARY? IT’S NAMED SOMETHING ELSE NOW
BUT YEAH, I GO THERE.” ( LAUGHTER )
THING IS, THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY PEOPLE NAMED LEE, WHICH EXPLAINS
THE NEWLY-NAMED CHRISTOPHER LEE HIGH SCHOOL. GO, FIGHTIN’ SARUMANS! ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, “GOATS CAN PERCEIVE
EACH OTHER’S EMOTIONS FROM THEIR VOICES.” A FASCINATING SCIENTIFIC
INSIGHT. AND IT EXPLAINS WHY MY GOAT LEFT
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
I’M NOT A MIND READER, PATRICIA! IF YOU SAY YOU’RE NOT MAD, I
THINK YOU’RE NOT MAD. AND I GO OUT WITH THE BOYS. STOP PLAYING GAMES! MY MOM SAID YOU’D LEAVE ME. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) MEANWHILE, IT’S GRAD SEASON, AND
ONE 12TH GRADER IN INDIANA NAMED EVAN DENNISON IS GOING VIRAL FOR
HIS GRAD PHOTOS, RECLINING IN A FIELD IN HIS BATHROBE. “S’UP? THE NAME’S EVAN. OH, ME? I’M JUST IN THIS FIELD STUDYING
FOR A.P. BADASS.” ( LAUGHTER )
THIS WAS NOT EASY TO PULL OFF. APPARENTLY, EVAN’S MOM HIRED
EVAN’S COUSIN– A PROFESSIONAL PORTRAIT PHOTOGRAPHER– TO TAKE
THESE PHOTOS, AND EVAN’S MOM EVEN SENT THE CLOTHES SHE WANTED
EVAN TO WEAR, BUT EVAN SHOWED UP IN HIS BATHROBE, AND THE COUSIN
SAID, “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? PLEASE JUST WEAR THE CLOTHES
YOUR MOM SENT,” TO WHICH EVAN RESPONDED, “I’M GOING TO BE A
LEGEND.” ( LAUGHTER )
YES! YES!>>Jon: YES! ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: RIGHT YOU ARE, EVEN. YOU KNOW, IN THESE TROUBLED
TIMES, WE AREN’T SURE IF OUR PUBLIC FIGURES EVEN HAVE A MORAL
CENTER, A SET OF GUIDING PRINCIPLES WE KNOW THEY WILL
STAND UP FOR– OR RECLINE SEDUCTIVELY FOR. SO WHEN WE FIND SUCH A PERSON,
THE CHOICE IS CLEAR: “EVAN DENNISON: 2020. THE ONLY THING WE HAVE
TO FEAR IS POISON OAK!