Key & Peele – Das Negros

September 9, 2019 0 By Stanley Isaacs


[doorbell rings] – [German accent]
HEIL
HITLER. MY NAME IS COLONEL
HANS MULLER OF THE S.S. AS YOU KNOW, WE WERE
COMBING THE AREA FOR JEWS. BUT IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION
THAT TWO NEGROES HAVE ESCAPED, AND ARE HIDING OUT
IN THIS AREA AS WELL. YOU WOULDN’T HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS,
NOW, WOULD YOU? – UH, NO.
NO NEGROES HERE. MM-MM. – UH, NEGROES? EW.
[chuckles] HELL NO. – AND, UM,
WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? – LEROY… HEIMER. LEROYHEIMER
IS MY LAST NAME, AND MY FIRST NAME
IS VERY GERMAN, AND THAT IS BECAUSE
IT IS HEINRICH. SO, MY NAME
IS HEINRICH LEROYHEIMER. – AND I AM BARON HELMUT… SCHNITZELNAZI. – WELL. ARE YOU GOING TO
INVITE ME IN? – OF COURSE!
– YEAH, COME ON IN! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
ABSOLUTELY. – PLEASE, GENTLEMEN,
SIT DOWN. NOW… AS YOU KNOW, THE NEGRO,
NOT UNLIKE THE JEW, CAN BE A VERY
TRICKY CREATURE. OH, THAT’S FUN. WE HAVE DEVELOPED
MANY TESTS TO DETERMINE IF AN INDIVIDUAL
IS, IN FACT, AN ACTUAL NEGRO. IT’S VERY SCIENTIFIC. LIKE WHEN WE THROW THE BEANS
UP AGAINST THE HOMOSEXUALS TO SEE IF
THE BEANS EXPLODE. – YEAH, UH… WHAT KIND OF TESTS? – IT’S INTERESTING
THAT YOU WOULD ASK ME THAT. WOULD YOU MIND IF I… REMOVED YOUR HAT? SO THAT I CAN
MEASURE YOUR HEAD. THE NEGRO HEAD,
INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, ONLY COMES
IN THE HALF SIZES. IT’S ONE OF THE MANY INTERESTING
THINGS ABOUT THE NEGRO HEAD. HMM. EVERYTHING
SEEMS IN ORDER. both: [exhale] – WELL,
NO NEGRO HEADS HERE. – I’LL TELL YOU WHAT,
THOUGH. IF A NEGRO HEAD
CAME IN HERE, IT WOULD FIND ITSELF
DETACHED FROM ITS NEGRO BODY. I’LL TELL YOU THAT,
RIGHT HERE. [chuckles]
AM I RIGHT? – THIS IS VERY,
VERY GOOD. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY
EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE, WHICH IS WHY
IT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT WE HAVE A TEST
WHICH IS FOOL-PROOF. – UH, M-M-M-MORE TESTS? – YOU KNOW,
HUNTING THE NEGROES ALL DAY, YOU REALLY BUILD UP AN APPETITE,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? CAN I INTEREST YOU TWO IN SOME DELICIOUS BEETS? INTERESTING. THE NEGRO
CANNOT RESIST THE BEET. IT IS DRAWN TO IT
LIKE FLIES TOSCHEISSE.WELL, GENTLEMEN. IT APPEARS I HAVE
WASTED YOUR TIME. I’LL BE ON MY WAY. – [exhales] – JUST ONE MORE THING. I’M CURIOUS AS TO
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT… THIS CAT TOY! JIGGLEDY, JIGGLEDY! NOTHING? WELL, THAT’S EMBARRASSING. I’M SORRY
FOR BOTHERING YOU. YOU TWO ARE OBVIOUSLY
NOT NEGROES. both: [laugh] – OF COURSE
WE’RE NOT NEGROES. – THIS IS A NO-NEGRO ZONE. – THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN. – AIN’T NO THANG. – HERR LEROYHEIMER. OH, THAT’S NEW. BARON SCHNITZELNAZI. – WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?
OH,HEILHITLER. – I’LL WAIT FOR YOU HERE.
THERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT. BY THE WAY…
[clears throat] ARE YOU, BY CHANCE, RELATED TO THE DUSSELDORF
SCHNITZELNAZIS? – YES, I AM. – HOW’S YOUR AUNT FRIDA? – AUNT FRIDA? SHE… IS STILL… FAT? – I DON’T RECALL
HER BEING FAT. BUT WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY DID
IN COLLEGE ANYWAY, AM I RIGHT? – NOT ME. NOT ME. NOT ME.
– NOT THIS ONE, EITHER. – ‘CAUSE I WAS A–
YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT? – WELL,GUTEN TAG.
– [laughs] ALL RIGHT. – OH, GUTENBERG! [engine starts] [car drives away] – WHEW.
MAN, THAT WAS CLOSE. WHOO. WE GOTTA
GET OUTTA HERE, MAN. WE– – HE LEFT THE CAT TOY, MAN!
– UH-UH. – HE LEFT IT!
– UH-UH. – [laughs] OH! OH! [giggles]