Kansiime Anne | I Am Kansiime

Kansiime Anne | I Am Kansiime

November 16, 2019 100 By Stanley Isaacs


– Good evening, everyone. We have had such an inspirational and robust
conversations throughout the day. And our day would not be complete without
some laughter, I know, so it is my pleasure to introduce a woman who is deemed the best
in her business. It is my honor to introduce Ugandan entertainer
and Africa’s Queen of Comedy. You know who I’m talking about, you know who
I’m talking about. So without further ado, please welcome Kansiime
Anne. – Whoa. Yeah. Now you know hip-hop started from Oh my God
I am so excited. I’ve forgotten that I’m supposed to start
with a welcome song. Because where I come from, my name is Kansiime
Anne. Sorry I need to introduce myself. Extremely important people in the audience,
and I need to introduce myself. My name is Kansiime Anne and I’ve been accused
of being the queen of comedy. And when you accused of being a queen you
don’t question, you don’t ask why, you just say, “All right, all right” and move on swiftly
with whatever God has blessed you with. Because I am in America, and not just anywhere. I’m in Boston, but not on the streets. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. I am at a university and not any University. Wellesley clap for yourself. And me too. Have you ever been invited in a place, and
you start questioning yourself what those people are thinking? Honestly, when I got an invitation that I
was going to speak when they said I am even among the keynotes, I said these guys are
not serious. Keynote speakers over they went to Africa,
and they saw people who are very important, extremely important people. They saw many stars, they saw members of parliament,
they saw Hey, you know how matrons in school always give us stress? Yeah, they also saw those ones and they didn’t
invite them and I am here to talk to you. God help you, because I don’t know what it
is you think you’re going to get from me. So it’s my first time to see snow. Believe it or not, the only thing I knew were
ice cubes. But it’s my first time to see snow. Yeah. I’m not sure it saw me, because I was seeing
it through the window. Yeah, and I think seeing snow really played
with my head so much, and I realized how you people mislead us in these movies that you
shoot, and then you see children out playing, making a snowman. My friend, I could not even make a snowball. I was looking at it from a distance and I
was happy, it being there and I am behind the window. So yes, I met snow but in blue tooth I didn’t
touch it. I haven’t touched it, I have no plans of touching
it. But the moment I stepped here, the coldness,
it feels like you’re being preserved somehow. No, seriously I am absolutely afraid I am
going to go back home and find myself five days back. I reach one, when I’ve not aged since I left
because of the preservatives that are in the air here. You walk around like you’re in a real freezer,
preserving yourself for tomorrow’s use. So, I’m so I’ve been turned inside out. I came with warmer jokes, and I’m being forced
to crack jokes to people who need warmth that is electric, not necessarily humor. But I am honor– But wait. I would like to believe you are a man. So, and that’s not the only one, there are
two now. What is going on? You guys, it’s a woman. Did I miss it? Women, African Women Leadership Conference. Who are you stalking? No, honestly. No, who are you stalking? Because, I think which woman is that, that
has brought you here on Women’s Day, that you need to see what her moves are to be sure
that you are safe. Honestly, one, two, three, yeah. This is how you know she’ll never win. Even here, you find us here. Can’t you let us be and enjoy it? Yes, and the way she’s laughing leaning on
you like she can’t laugh without finding support, so us who are seated here alone, laughing,
how do you expect us to manage? How? please. And I realized something when I was cold here,
it’s like okay, how do I organize myself and present the not so serious things I want to
tell these people, but I need you to think if you’re a young girl in the audience and
I’m telling you the things I’m saying are unserious, how unserious are they, if you’ve
come in this cold to sit and listen to them. Or if they’ve moved me from Uganda to come
here in an airplane. I even came first class. Just now I’ve been overwhelmed. I’m getting used, I’m not used to being loved
and respected like this. So there must be something I did right. I’m about to know, then I’ll keep doing it,
repeating it til they invite me to other places also. Too much, I thank God so, so much for being
able to come here and be amidst women who are mothers, women who are suspects. When I say suspects, it means they’re someone
who suspects they love you. So women who are suspects, women who are powerful,
leaders, president. Me, I’m telling you I’m in shock. I don’t know how to even control myself as
I’m talking to you, because of the happiness that I am feeling. So suddenly, I can’t make the exaggerated
movements I usually make because there are important people in the audience. I’m like, yeah. You understand what I’m going through? Thank you very much, but now you’re in Africa
among the VIPs you’re laughing slowly. Laugh, I need you to laugh. Is the one, if you are wearing a tight bra
remove it. It’s upbeat, it’s a women’s conference. No no no no. It’s a women’s conference. If you cannot be comfortable today, when do
you think you’ll be comfortable? No. Those things are enemies of progress. Honestly. I came here, I’m supposed to make you laugh. I’m busy still dying. So remove them, remove those shoes, they don’t
own you. If you’re wearing high heels and you’re feeling
uncomfortable, remove them. No one is going to judge you if you don’t
have carbon. So if you know any, remove them. They won’t smell, please. Remove them. Otherwise, be very considerate. Hi, my God your hair is for days. Give me some. I mean the lady with brown hair, please waive. My God, don’t go to the hospital and say you
have a migraine we’ll all know where it came from. ‘Cause I can’t complain too, I can’t. Let’s give it up for the women that know they
own their hair on their head. Kakenya, eh? Kakenya, yeah. Give it up for yourself. You can risk, I can’t. I can’t let my hair out, my friend. It’s not for public consumption. I cannot. I cannot, it doesn’t bounce. It’s me who has to bounce, the hair doesn’t
bounce. These movies we see and they run in slow motion
and their hair slaps them in the face. No, me have to run at the speed of lightning,
and still I won’t achieve that movement. But I’m okay, I’m very, very fine. So like I said, I don’t want to start a show
without singing for you a welcome song. And when I come here I don’t say, “Oh, oh.” No, no sorry let’s give guest of honor. Now, where I come from when you’re white in
the audience of so many black people, and you’re white, and you’re in front, you’re
the guest of honor. So, I think you picked the wrong seat. Yeah. And when we appoint you the guest of honor,
you have to pick a few children to adopt. We don’t give you props for nothing, no. You can’t be a guest of honor, just. You have to be a guest of honor with a purpose,
so. I have one degree, I don’t mind getting three
others from this University. Can we have a few children that can be, so
that’s after, after you just go and talk to her. She got you. She got you. Thank you so much, thank you so, so much. So much. I’m telling you, when you see her like that
if she did decide to come to Africa and just she’s touring, minding her own business and
she passes when I am busy getting married and about say I do, seated on the high table,
they tell me, “Excuse me, she has come.” I’m like, “Who?” “The guest of honor.” Even if you are the bride, they’ll make you
stand because she has passed in her tour, her visit tour attracts and she’s the guest. Just her presence makes her the guest of honor. So that is it, that’s how it is. So you are welcome, thank you very, very much. And this welcome song I’m singing is for you. Others, it’s in English, it’s in English. Please note, ♪ How are you Nevel ♪ ♪ How
are you Syble ♪ ♪ We’ve been waiting for a long long time ♪ Oh, by the Hola Song
is in English because we need you to know we went to school. We studied, and our education is not cheap. So we don’t chew words, we don’t chew letters. If the word is seriously, we don’t say seriously. We say seer-e-ous-lee, because No, my expensive
education is for you to go around chewing letters you have learnt when, no, no. My education is very expensive in Africa,
you cannot joke with it. You don’t go around chewing words you have
learnt with your parents hard earned money, no. Seriously, ♪ so how are you Nevel ♪ ♪ How
are you Syble ♪ ♪ We’ve been waiting for a long, long time ♪ ♪ We thank you Nebel
♪ ♪ We thank you Syble ♪ ♪ We hope everything is beneficta ♪ ♪ Ai-Ya-Ya-Ya
♪ And beneficta is also an English word. And since I’m here you’ll probably tell me
what it means. What does beneficta mean? You don’t know? Universe of wizard and you don’t know what
beneficta means? I sang it all in primary school and I knew
I should have a meaning. You’re telling me beneficta has no meaning
now? So I’m recently very single. Clap, clap please, freedom at last. I have a problem with people who mourn other
people’s relationships, when the people in the relationships are not mourning. Don’t you get tired? You want to walk in and tell your mother,
“Mommy, I am liberated” And she’s worried. You are like, “Why you worried for my freedom?” Have you been through something like that? What happened? Do you know the things that happen behind
closed doors, my friend? Ai-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya it’s wrestling. Especially when you’re getting otherwise from
everywhere. I’m telling you, when you have your auntie’s
giving you advice as a woman, and then their uncle’s giving the man advice, but they don’t
end up in that same room. So the man comes with his hard earned advise
and has been told to walk up straight and not move down, and then they tell you, the
woman, come when you are as we’re calming and submissive as possible. But you see when you are soft, you can’t stop
a stone with softness. So the other one comes with his moves from
down, this one has come like Rambo. There’s an action movie up here, there’s a
romance movie down– That is what happened. You find when you’re on a different network,
Safari Comic Con not called MTN. My friend, and I’m seeing some people are
distracting. How can you look like that, Madam stand up. You who is holding that pink phone. Yes, you with the open mouth. Yes You who has your mouth wide open, stand
up. Hi, you’re very beautiful. Very beautiful, and no pressure: I like men,
so relax. Don’t worry– No, no don’t sit, my friend. Yeah, yeah you sat there for a purpose. So how do you feel? Is this how you look every day? Like, when you wake up in the morning that’s
how you look? God knows how to give these things. You see, if I looked like you I would be seated
up there, alone in the middle. Whether I have money to put out, I would be
there otherwise ridding myself from these common looking people. I would make sure I stayed there in the VIP
room. Clap for yourself for looking like. Now, if you didn’t come here stalking in a
kind of, wife or partner, that’s what I was suggesting, eh? That’s the kind of woman you take to the bank,
and they give you a loan without saying, “Shoot it.” No, you march in and they’re like, “Is that
your wife?” Yeah, you talk and he gives you a loan because
if you can have her as a wife, you can pay any debt. Any, for that month, any particular debt. So, I was telling you I’m recently single,
meaning I have a lot of time on my hands. I have two phones, with two different SIM
cards. Sometimes I call the other phone to see because–
Yeah, of course you can laugh, you have people calling you. Yeah, so I end up forgetting and thinking
maybe my phone accidentally went into flight mode, so I start calling one number, calling
the other to check in the case they are on, and if they are on, why am I not receiving
phone calls. So, while I was very excited that I had freedom,
freedom is not extremely exciting. That’s when you enter the house and you say,
“Hey, hey, hey, hey.” And the house answers you back and says, “Hi,
hi, hi, hi.” Yeah? Hello, there’s a young girl there. Hi, are you young really? I’m talking about the very young girl with
a pony, she’s looking behind. See, your sister is telling– Hi. Hello. How are you? You are fine. Now that’s a child that is getting the right
education. You say those things, “Hello” to a kid in
my village when she’s holding her sweet potato, why are you greeting her? She’s suspicious, she’s brought up to defend
her sweet potato, And you’re there waving your hand saying hello, why? Why? But you know, there’s something I’ve noticed. Something that the government of this country,
it’s not serious. They call America the most powerful country,
but they don’t know serious they are. How you allow an African Women Leadership
Conference to happen right below your nose, and you keep quiet and let it happen. This is how colonization happened. First it’s just women leaders. Before you know it, even the men are coming
here, we are holding their conferences, and that’s how it started. In Africa, you think they come with a whole
and come to rule us with guns and no. they started with a boat. First came with a boat, and they’re about
to make three. They were just coming on a picnic, they had
landed on a piece of land that was empty. So they came and the picnic was very interesting,
and they had some interesting fruits. I said first, wait. Albert Phukaret might take these fruits. Should we send Albert Phukaret and he comes
also? then slowly by slowly they came, and started discovering things that were already
there. They come and started– Slowly by slowly,
one of them came to the other and said, “Can you believe I have seen the source of the
River Nile? I’m the first person to see.” “Hey,” another one come and say, “Can you
believe I just know where the equator passes?” It passes, yet it had always been there, passing. I’m telling you, so this what has happened,
just keep keepquiet. Yeah, and you think we have FBI, CCI gif,
SWAT team, all those dangerous organizations are sleeping. Honestly, even at immigrations the guy asked
me, “Where are you going?” I said– Here’s the thing, I didn’t know whether
Boston was in Massachusetts, or Massachusetts was in Boston. I just knew, you know that blue papper they
give you, and then they want particular details that you have not prepared yourself for. No one sits for an exam when– By the way,
we don’t sit for an exam when we are coming to America. For us, we’ll be going for another place that
where we know we shall go, and then come back. So I didn’t really sit down to know, which
then you have addresses, God bless you. In Africa, we just say around the fennec tree. Here, they tell you Colchester Road crossed,
3-Z-Y-X-Y-H-2 point, what? You about to give that person coordinates
of the bathroom you seated in. Your address is so detailed, too detailed. Someone can stalk you right to your throat
when you’re putting your foot in your mouth. I’m telling you, so they gave me this blue
form, the immigrations form, and I’m filling in of course, yeah, the state– My managers
making fun of me. The state, I meant the state… Just no one is recruiting a district in a–
Just know I mixed it up, yeah? So, of course that already had flags for the
immigrations guy, and was like, “So, young girl.” I like that, people all me young. Even on the flight, they refused to serve
me alcohol. It hurt me, but anything to be called young. It’s okay, I said, “Okay, it’s okay.” I’ve not taken any champagne, but it’s alright. At least I’ve left when they know I’m 16 years
old. I was so happy, I ended up not taking the
champagne. He asks me, “Young girl, what brings you to
America?” I’m like, “I’m a keynote speaker at an African
Women’s Leadership Conference.” He said, “Why is it here?” And it was a genuine question. He said, “Why is it here?” I said, “Is it not there on the computer,
like, when you look don’t you see…” Because they say, they usually ask questions
that they already know, and they are tricking you. I’m like, “Are you sure there’s no answer
there?” They can tell you, the ones who gave me the
invite can tell you why we are holding it this side. Already, I’m seeing it was a– And you know
there are always officers walking around, so you’re not too sure. Me, I fear officers, even for security. I fear, I duck. When I see them, I’m just in a ready movement
to duck and make sure I’m submissive. So yes, I arrived here and I’m still feeling
sorry, because America does not knowthat I’m here. My mother, sorry. Greetings from my mother. This is how I rush over and miss the important
things. Greetings from my mother. If you have a mother, you know what I am talking
about, without having to talk about it. Because if I start talking about my mother,
this is not going to be a women’s conference, it will be her conference. I’m telling you, and she sends greetings. These days she takes time to literally stalk
me. I don’t know what she’s doing on Facebook. I don’t, can’t you just stay on writing letters
and leave us alone? I don’t know what she’s doing on Facebook,
so she knows everything. So when she heard, all she heard was leadership,
in America. Just know, she’s knows I’m going to back when
I’m like, a minister of something, from here. And then of course, so they line up and said,
“Oh, my God. Anne, you’re going to be seated with those
people. What are you going to talk about?” No, she was concerned. If you were my mother, you would be concerned. She was extremely concerned, and then she
asked me, “How long is it?” And I said, “it’s a two days conference.” “How many are they?” I said, “there are like over 200 women, and
they’ll be joined by others.” She’s like, “So 200 women, eh? Are going to sit down, and discuss issues,
in two days?” Two days? My mother’s worry, is when Auntie Gold– She’s
called Goldess, is when Aunt Goldess visits at home, oh, and she visits monthly, She leaves
after a week, and within that week none of them have even caught breath to even have
a proper meal without eating between words. She does not understand how 200 intelligent,
educated women would summarize whatever they have to talk about in two days. Two day? She can’t see it. When my mother is talking to a friend, there’s
no room for anything. I remember, those were the days that would
be the time she’d postpone all punishment. Yes. She would be busy saying, “Tell me. So you won’t tell me Jim was eventually went
to his death?” And you’d hear a “Ooomph.” She would turn and be like, “Don’t worry,
that one just fell off that tree. What were you saying?” That would be the day they’d ignore you. Ignore all punishment, no one is going look
you aside, you are safe. That’s my mother. So she doesn’t get it. What are you doing here for just two days? She said, “I’ve given you permission, in case
they don’t finish in two days, which I know they will not, stay there for two more weeks. Let them discuss everything they want to discuss
and finish it. Well, it’s not because we are gossips, that’s
why people think that we need that much time. Because even gossiping takes skill. You know your friends who just can’t gossip. They don’t know how to gossip. They will never pass on gossip properly. And then you know a friend who will catch
gossip before they even know what you are going to tell them. You call her and said, “Anne!” “What, Jean?” “There’s this chick–” “Tell me, tell me,
Anne. I’ve been waiting for you.” She knows what you’re going to tell her before
you even tell it to her, so it’s not because she thinks we are gossips, she just appreciates
the fact that we have so much to say. Which is good, because who doesn’t have anything
to say now? We all have something to say, we just don’t
know how to phrase it sometimes. That’s it, and that is where I come in. I thank you God, so much. Because he gave me the boldness to say things
you people don’t want to say. Yes, we see you people in an engagement of
seven years. What are you doing? Even the man who is engaged to you no longer
knows what he’s doing at that point. Seven years and you’re still studying each
other? To know what? What do you think you’re going to know about–
Because at seven years, you know all their spots, you know all their birthmarks, you
know theirgroup, you know their– What do you want to know? Actually, seven years have gone very far. Three years. Three years? If you’re careful, in three months you know
your friend. So I thank God I have the boldness to say
those things that other people are extremely afraid to say. It’s okay, I’m here, I’ll be the bulletproof. You tell me, and the fact that I’m single,
I get to meet so many culprits, and suspects, that want to take me out every once in a while. And, I can give anyone attention, but I can’t
stand a man who dances too much. One who dances and wants to show other people
he dances better than me? No. You see, us women naturally we are blessed,
we are endowed, we have so many things to work with. You will walk very fast, and your behind will
work for you. In a club, you just pretend to get up your
chair and walk very fast to the counter. Before you reach the counter, you’ve already
received whatever it is you want to receive. People have seen you, yeah? And if the back-up plan is not as convincing,
then you… Oh, you laugh, you people. Mine came at S4. I was about sixteen years old, and my breasts
had refused. So I used to walk like this, because I knew
that people would see that I was female. No, no, I had short hair, I was black… So it’s not good. It’s never good when you are like that. And you’re in a single girl’s school. Hey, I was under pressure to be a girl. Under pressure to be the proper girl. Yeah? So, Pardon? Many, Pardon? No, no you could be… Don’t be shy. This could be what you are meant to do in
life. I might be part of your success story. And you’ll say, “I’ll never forget that day
I became famous.” “I was just talking, and then they picked
me and before I knew it the whole world knew me.” So don’t be shy. And I love your hair. Where are you from? Which part of Uganda? Which part? So you are very,very excited. You’re a VIP, I want you them to sit in front. What are you sitting behind doing there. That’s too far. But in Uganda now, if you are given a pot
to put it on that head, how would you do it? I assume you have to first wrap… When was the last time you were in Uganda,
darling? A year ago. You are lucky. I was about to attack you right now. I was about to attack you right now, so I
forgive you because, last year you said. Christmas? January. And you have your family here. I also want to understand that business of
long distance relationships. Since you can’t talk about it, let me talk
about it. How do you do it? Because you’ll be staying. And does long distance relationships, are
the ones that give those bad ideas of, you want space? Yeah, you start getting used to space and
you find someone staying in a mansion that has three floors, still dating their partner. They want space. What space do you want? There are three floors on the house and you
still say, “You’re tired of this?” You want space? Which space? So, how do you do long distance? Explain to me, how? Because, already I don’t like men who are
very tall because if you’re too tall, already I feel we are far. So if just height difference gets me thinking
you’re not with me, how about when you’re not around and I cannot see you. Then how do we deal with that? Stop looking at me like that. I get distracted. There are very many beautiful women. Me, I like beautiful women and when I see
a beautiful woman, I acknowledge that you are beautiful. Whether you want it or not, because I’ve seen
so many beautiful people that don’t know they are beautiful. And then you find the likes of us, being the
Queens of Comedy, I turn around and there’s nothing people are seeing, but I’m still the
Queen of Comedy. You know? Do we have any ladies from South Africa? Yeah, I knew. How did I miss a living point behind. Now, this is one thing I really love about
Southern women. They are the only women I know that truly
deserve a seating allowance. Like, on a conference, they need to be given
an allowance Because, where people like me think we are sitting, and we need to be given
an allowance, those people sit for all of us half the time. Their backup plan, my friend sits for all
of us. “I’ve got problems.” Yes, my friend, yes. Yes, please feel free. I accept you’re the only ones that deserve
a seat at allowance. And I love, you look at her. You want to be African when you’re seeing
her in such a necklace. I’m telling you. Problem is, I get excited and my head is all
over the place. I was still telling you how women, we have
a road to walk with, yeah? We have the bum which we walk very quickly
and they will see. You have the chest, which you can– And these
days we have hair. Whether it is ours, or not. Once I have it, you can’t begin asking because
I probably have the receipt. So, if you can’t shake the chest, you’ll shake
the behind. And if you can’t, then you will shake the
head. You know, we have strokes, all kinds of strokes
that take us to places. So it’s okay for a woman to know how to dance. But when a man knows how to dance, that’s
a whole new, different ballgame. Though, these strokes we keep pulling for
men, and we dance and you dance. Before you know it, the man doesn’t know how
to deal with you. Yeah. First, come. Come. We are height mates, and I think I can carry
you. So come here Don’t worry, I’ll be nice and
gentle. Very nice and gentle. So while it was always easy for us to know
how to dance with our partners, those days. Which one was your– I need a favorite African
song that is old. Are you serious? To dance with a partner? This is what I’m talking about. Come darling. This is what I’m talking about. Sorry, I know you’re regretting where you’re
a part of this conference, you’ll be fine. – Hold on, I’m gonna take off my shoes. – You see what I’m talking about? Why hadn’t you done that earlier? No one should judge you. My friend, the next time you see someone coming
for the conference barefoot, that is what gives them peace. That’s what gives them peace. We need to be peaceful. And it has to start with you, you can’t pass
on peace if you don’t have it. You know? So you need to give, do whatever it is you–
By the way, you’re going to stand there for a while Do whatever it is you must do to feel
peace inside. It’s fundamental, I cannot explain it more. So, my friend. You know how we get these strokes as I was
telling you about of turning around? Do you know those strokes? So, the men that we get that we want to dance
with, we expect them to hold us. I would have called a man, but this is a female
conference. So it’ll be fine. You’d expect to dance and get close, up close
and personal with someone. And then you’ll call that dance. But how does a man dance up close and personal
with you when you are spinning like this, how? How? Because, before you know it, you’ve turned
him into a goal keeper because– No, seriously. If you’re going to dance how does it go So
if you’re a guy, the only chances you have to keep track of the one place– Because I
don’t know how you guys always want to dance when they’re right behind your behind, yeah? So that only chance he has to keep track of
this is, if he turns into a proper goal keeper and keeps It’s okay darling, It’s okay you
can sit. And before you know it, it’s no longer a dance. It’s a sport. It’s a sport, the man has to reach out a hand
for the things that he has come to see, because of the way you’re dancing. You get? But then I go to the men that know how to
dance, it’s also a lot of work. Because as a man, all I want is for you to
make sure your wallet is full. When we are going out, I need to be sure that
you have money. you swipe a card, but not in Uganda they not
work and embarrass you. So I need you So don’t come swiping, please. I don’t have backup for you. So if we’ve gone out, you need to have swollen
wallets, a sign of happy marriagesin Africa. Not your cards, please. But if you have six cards, I won’t see you. I want to first see those swollen wallets. So I want a man who is taking me out first. Relax, be the man. We can’t all be jumping, then who is who? I would like you to just, organize yourself,
stay in one place, touch your stomach if you want to touch your stomach, feel free. Half the time I wasvery satisfied, I don’t
know what it is that they eat. Their stomachs are not of every day. So dance properly, and give me an opportunity
to either turn around and summersault in front of you, because you’re buying their drinks,
yeah? So, I don’t like it when it is the man who
knows how to dance. Because that means as a Ninja, I expect someone
to cheer me on. No, I want to dance and I hear, “Yeah. Yeah.” That’s what I want, that’s why all my movements
are exaggerated. They’re all in capital letter. I cannot dance slowly, when you’ve taken me
out and intend to spend money on me, no. As you are dancing, you are dancing and you
hear, “whop” Just cheer me, pretend I am dancing properly. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah? I want you toagain. And then they cheer. And then they cheer you, they cheer you, and
you think they are cheering you. You turn around, and your Ninjas are cheering
your boyfriend who They’re cheering your boyfriend who has Michael Jacksoned his way into some
corner. Your whole crowd is not even looking at you. They are with this Michael Jackson in a corner. Chances are one of the people in the crowd
has already joined that Michael Jackson on stage. So, please, if you can dance, stop there. That is all I need to know. That you can dance, and I cannot be with you. Thank you, but no thank you. No, I don’t get it. ‘Cause we’ve tried. We’ve tried to be– You know, sometimes you
want to be everything everyone wants, and you forget the things that you want for yourself. Then before you know it, you’ve lost yourself,
you used to be tall, you suddenly think you’re short. Okay, me I’ve always been short. I know there’s judgment coming there, yeah? I’ve always been short and enjoyed it. So suddenly you start feeling shorter than
you originally are. And it’s not fair at all. Because I’m thinking, I’ve managed to be able
to come here at all in the first place. Because of delighting in who I am, In my failures,
in the things I’ve been able to do, the things I’ve not. As in, I don’t kill myself for the things
I’m unable to do. I was busy making a fool of myself for other
people’s pleasure, and before I knew it, I was the Queen of Comedy. So whatever it is you’re doing, it does not
matter. If you are good at punching and stappling,
you need to punch the hell out of those papers and be the best puncher the world has ever
seen. So, you first drank my water. My friend, I am speaking amongst presidents
and your giving me water that is half. Come here, come here. Stand up, that’s my manager. Come, come, come stand up and make you a man. Come. Come. Yeah, so This is Emma KaKai. She… – – Yeah, she’s Emma KaKai and she’s my manager. She’s been my manager for six years. I don’t know why she hasn’t quit. She’s been my manager for about six years,
but we’ve worked together for about 11 years. She say people will wonder how old she is
So, people think we are friends Not quite, you know? When you are with someone for a long time,
you learn coping mechanisms, so we have enough coping mechanisms, so we have thrived. Be as if you are walking, and going back,
yeah. So that’sKaKai. Walk properly. Properly. So that’s the one who gave me water, so that
I remember to talk about paper strategy. Because someone else could have given me the
water, but said, “No, no guys I’m the manager. Let me. Let me take the water.” Cotilda Inapo, stand up. Stand up and wave, and turn around and show
people how pregnancy is a blessing. That’s Cotilda Inapo, she’s my creative director. While I’m here looking extremely intelligent,
she’s the one who thought up all the nonsense I’m speaking here. So, before I receive all the credit, that’s
Cotilda Inapo, she is the beginner– You started what, Queens of Comedy? We have weekly shows of just women. Yes. And we make people laugh, and we crack extremely
clean fantastic jokes that will make you laugh and not feel like you can’t make eye contact
with your child in their old years. Yeah, we are mindful like that. We give you clean humor, and you enjoy. Cotilda Inapo is a comedian too, and the very
first time I stepped on stage to do standup comedy, I was tricked into it by her. ‘Cause when we walked onto stage, the plan
was we perform, she cracks a joke, I crack a joke. ‘Cause I was not used to doing standup comedy
alone. I used to do sketch comedy, but on stage with
Fun Factory. And then she told me, “No, just come. We’ll do ten minutes, so come with three jokes. Come, I crack, you crack, I crack, you crack.” I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” So we come onstage, I was even the first on
there. “Yeah, so you’re welcome. On stage, I’m with Kansiime Anne.” And they had seen me in clips, and they were
like, “Yay.” I’m like, “Why are they screaming?” And I cracked one joke, she cracked the other. And when I started speaking again, I turned
around and she was not even on stage. This is how you know true friends are rare. She was not there for me to even say, let
me pass you the microphone. And here I am, doing standup comedy all over
the world, so you are to blame. You know the sound of those claps, that’s
what I live for. To be able to just express yourself with whatever
little English is in your mouth. You know, before I came here, There’s something
this MC said. You’re trying to introduce me and there’s
a word you said up to now. I hope I remember it, and I want to look it
up in the dictionary. You know, I also went to school and studied
English, but the English that is spoken here, I think you people took some words. You didn’t give us all of them. When you came and colonized us, there are
words that you left for yourself, that I keep meeting. Complicated words that I think, the goods
ones you didn’t give us because I’m among people, I studied, I have a degree in social
services, believe it or not, and they speak English, I’m like, “Yeah?” I’m like, “Is it the same English that we
sang?” So, I keep wondering whether I will reach
a level where I can also speak and be like… So I’ve noticed that day is never going to
come if it has anything to do with vocabulary. But maybe it will come, when I speak sense
no matter how crooked the English I’m speaking, as long as the other person gets it. And I think that’s why I end up here. With this hard accent of mine, my words were
like three cages each. But I’m here with them, and you’re receiving
them. I’m seeing some of you laughing and wondering,
“Why is she laughing, I don’t think she understood what I just said.” But then you’re laughing, and it goes to say
that if you feel it in your heart that you can do something, don’t even ask the nearest
person next to you. Just do it. Women, we are very versatile. You can decide and be the conductor, the driver,
the passenger, the one, the– If you decide you can do it, I’m telling you. I have so much respect for any career now,
any. Even if your the one who waves for cars by
the road. I have respect for you. ‘Cause recently, I made a very minimal attempt
at modeling. I will never do it again. Me, I thought you just wear clothes and pose. Whoa. My God. First of all, there’s a director of photography. The director of photography walks everywhere,
and the way they are moving, the things they’re telling you to do, to do a picture that has
oomph. How do pause, oomph. How? And then you have a photographer who, honestly
he needs a lens, and a stand and a camera to take you, but they come with a truck of
gadgets. There’s one stand here, there’s a light that’s
supposed to bring out the rays of your African contour. Before you know it, you leave the photo shoot
when you have body parts you are not aware of. No, seriously. A director of photography will tell you, “I
need you to walk, when someone sees this picture I want them to see the River Nile.” Flowing. I’m telling youthe of things I do, and I’m
like, “How do I flow like a river in a picture.” You can’t. It’s like, “I want people to see this photo
shoot, and they feel how the magma from the volcanic–” And half the time you’re like… So when they say magma, in your head you’re
thinking magma, from the volcanic mountain. So as he’s explaining, before you know it
you find yourself in a position that is not legally correct for any picture. So, before you know we grew up thinking for
you to be a model, you just have to be empty headed and very beautiful. These days, my friend, I need you to start
respecting, even the person cleaning. Chances are they clean that carpet more than
you. So anyone, continue. I’m telling you. So models, I have new and profound respect
for you. And women, we can get so preoccupied, that
we forget to even enjoy and celebrate simple pleasures. I’m telling you, you’re at home with your
suspect you guys are busy enjoying, in the comfort of your room. And then he’s trying to be very playful, He’s
like, “Tell me something dirty.” And you say, “Suspense.” Because that’s what’s in your head. When they say, “Tell me something dirty,”
you’re not thinking of being freaky. You’re like, children’s clothes. Even your clothes, you’re thinking in terms
of homework, house chores, instead of actually enjoying the moment because of the things
that we do and we forget to spare some energies for ourselves. So me, the fact that we can even sit here,
at this time, with all the things that you people have to do in your homes, how to get
there, did my child go home, but I have to listen to her. The fact that you’re sitting here to listen
to me, that in itself is enough. It’s enough, and if it’s happening for me,
my God. It will happen for you. It found me in I was in minding my own business,
and I am now the Queen of Comedy. So if you’re here, my friend, they say America
is the land of what? Dreams. Yeah. They say it’s the land of dreams. But with the weather outside, I think they
meant you sleep and dream a lot, because– I’m telling you, with this weather here if
it was in Uganda, my God. The multiplying rate would be too much. Too much, too much I’m telling you. So yes, women we are very versitile and recently
I made an attempt at singing. And yes, nice, fantastic, I’m even scared
of myself. Before I know it, I’ll be coming here with–
You know how musicians come on stage, you know what would have happened? It would be like tear gas. You’re coughing, it’s like they are shocked
to see you and they would like you to choke before you sing. So one of these days I might be walking on
stage like that, but so, I sang a song about my home. Chigas. It’s only ideal. And Chigas is a beautiful home, and if there’s
Do we have a Machiga here? Now, let me first show them. You try, it’s not a competition. You’ll try, I promise no judgment. But just know people are watching you all
over the world. We shall see, we shall see. So I sang a song about my home. And, usually in Chechaly they say, “be blessed”
as you just said. Even here I can’t decide to be blessed. ♪ There’s a song ♪ ♪ That I know ♪ ♪ If
you’ll listen I know you will love it ♪ ♪ It’s in my heart ♪ ♪ With all it’s rhythm ♪ ♪ And
the purpose it holds that’s within ♪ ♪ My mother land ♪ Now, I cannot dance when all
of you are looking at me like that. So, can we have the music playing so that
I show these people how we dance where I come from. And then, And then, Machiga, please come on. We dance. ♪ There’s a song ♪ ♪ That I know ♪ Come,
Come. We have to dance today. ♪ If you listen I know you will love it
♪ No excuses. ♪ It’s in my heart ♪ ♪ With all it’s
rhythm ♪ ♪ I’m the purpose it holds that’s revealed ♪ Come! ♪ My mother land ♪ What did you do before
it? No. No, my friend. If you ate this chips that I just saw, you
can’t dance this. The little energy I’ve used is all I came
with from Uganda. I didn’t sit but twice, and a lot of maize. I knew what I was coming to do. So you who is going to risk here, and before
you know it there’s an ambulance. It’s okay. Thank you so much. Thank you for sitting and listening. Thank you for judging me in silence. And thank you so much for risking, to make
me hold this microphone, and make a fool of myself for your pleasure. So thank you so, so, so much. So, So yeah, I know. This is like the climax of all climaxes. You stand up and clap for someone and they
don’t want to go. This is when you know I’ve come to colonize. So, I was told to risk and give us a chance
to ask three questions, really good questions. If you ask uncomfortable stuff, get ready
for uncomfortable answers. If you ask intelligent things, expect the
most intelligent answer from me. So do we have the microphones going through–
Yes, I’m scared already. You can come, we just need three questions. There’s one there. And there’s one there. We have our three. – [Audience Member] You need to be scared. – I am, I’m very scared. – [Audience Member] Because I’m from Uganda – Oh, dear me. Okay. – [Audience Member] Just kidding, just kidding. – Okay. – [Audience Member] Oh, the shoes come on. – My dear, they might be recording me answering. I need to look like I was ready. – [Audience Member] Anyway, comedy has always
been a men’s world. How did you navigate, and how did you break
through that men’s world and become the Queen of Comedy? – I think this world has always been a man’s
world. But now it’s becoming our world as well. For fear of scaring anyone that wants to try
and venture into the business, I can’t discourage you. The things I went through, I don’t think were
too difficult. Others would not have made it. So yes, I had challenges, just the same challenges
you’d get if you decided right now, that you want to study to be a pilot. There will be challenges. If you want to be a very amazing housewife,
there will be challenges. If you want to be an amazing accountant, there
will be challenges. So I don’t want to point out and make it seem
like the standup world was a difficult place to be in. It wasn’t easy, but whatever it was needed
to be done, I did it ’cause I knew what I wanted. And I had beautiful people, I have a team
of people that really understand me in, out. You notice, I don’t have people that are taller
than me? I don’t want to be feeling bad about myself. So no, I really have amazing people around
me and the same people I had 10, 11 years ago before I was anybody, are the same people
with me ’cause they know I can’t be a celeb around them. They’d be like, “Anne, Anne that’s not your
accent. It’s not your accent.” Like, I can’t be anyone else with these two
judges. Always judging me. So, it’s a brilliant team I have, I didn’t
do it alone. It’s not easy, and if you want to do it, brace
yourself. It’s not easy. But you can do it, I mean small, short, black
as I am I did it, so you can do it. I hope I answered you, yes? – [Woman from Audience] Hello, I’m Leia Nakima
from Jinja, Uganda. – Yeah, they won’t know. We just continue, they can’t understand. – [Woman From Audience] I know. I can’t express how much excited, how much
happy, how much privileged I am to look at you. I’ve been hearing you, I’m from Uganda. I looked for all ways of at least meeting
with you, and at least saying hello. But I am just like, so thankful – Where were you looking? I’ve been in Uganda everywhere. – [Woman From Audience] I know. – Continue, continue I like what you are saying. – [Woman From Audience]Yes, the question I
had is, so I know you are empowering women through comedy and showing them that they
have all it takes to do whatever they want to see, the change they want. How do you think, what advice can you give
someone? I don’t relate to comedy, but it’s fun to
me, though I have a passion somewhere else. But how would you, what one word can you leave
with me to keep me going besides having courage and doing it, setting my goals and going for
them. What one word do you want to leave with me? – You see what I was talking about, the English
words that put together and suddenly you don’t think you understand English? Now I’m confused, the whole question is like
a whole workshop. I need to sit down and do marks, point number
one, point number two. The only thing I can give you, no matter what
it is you want to do. You might want to be a doctor, you might want–
Just be sure, is that what you want to do? Because number one, you’re a woman. So you might not have time playing around
with that energy that you have within that time, guessing to see whether or doing something
because your parents told you to do it. Or doing something because your boyfriend
will judge you if you decide to do something else. You need to be sure, is this what I want to
do. So that if you’re fighting, you’re fighting
for that exact thing that you really want to do. So, even if you want to become a bouncer,
be sure. Is that what you want. So that when they box you, you don’t retreat. You come back with that one eye. Did you become the best bouncer. So I think, you just need to know. Is it what I want to do? Then give it your all. We shall understand when we know that that’s
what you really want to do. Third question? Sorry, there’s a– There’s even a man! Okay, let’s give the gentleman. – [Man] Okay, you want silly question, maybe
I’m expecting silly answer. – Yes, silly question, silly answer. – [Man] Okay. What do you get from Idi Amin Dada, he was
funny, he was dictator, he was really awful. But is there anything that you learn in terms
of his sense of humor. – Humor, and his life. The funny thing is that to me and you view
Idi Amin from different light. I understand, when you view Idi Amin as a
terrorist, that woke up one day and didn’t want to see your face and said, “Go.” But coming from a point right now, where I’m
in a country where I think the citizens in that country are not getting what they want
from their government and a lot is being taken by the people that come, I view him in a different
light. I love his humor, and at some point I want
him to come back, believe it or not. Because, he meant protection for me. For the Ugandans that were there then. No matter how shrewd his ways were, I see
him differently. So it’s hard for me to give you an answer
that will make you go to bed happy. You know? But, I believe his ways could have been better,
but I cannot crucify Idi Amin. I can’t. ‘Cause what he did, he did it harshly, did
it the way he knew how, but it served some of the things that we still have in Uganda
right now. If you look around the developments that he
put have been sustained. So it’s really a double sword. I don’t want to praise him for the ill that
he did, but then I can’t trump over him ’cause we have celebrations for him at home. One more. Okay, two. One, two. That’s it. One microphone here, one the other side. And then we are done. Yes, young girl? – [Young Girl] Hi, So my question is, you
know with African parents it’s like– – Where are you from? – [Young Girl] I’m from Nairobi. I’m from Nairobi, Kenya. – Okay, stop there, stop there. I only know That’s all I know. – [Young Girl] My dad speaks Chiga though,
so I feel a connection. – Stop it. – [Young Girl] Anyway, I was gonna say with
African parents, you can only be three things. A doctor, a lawyer– – Engineer. – [Young Girl] Oh yeah, there’s four. – There’s engineer. – [Young Girl] It’s a doctor, a lawyer, an
engineer, and then the rest, right? And I’m just wondering… I’m wondering, for you, who is category four? How did you– – Yes, that’s the norm. And if you don’t celebrate it, then it gets
you off guard. – [Young Girl] I’m just wondering how you
convinced your parents to go into comedy, and what they thought about it when you said
to them that you weren’t going to do those traditional careers. – For starters, I don’t know why they needed
convincing. Because every time I came home, I never even
became half-way the last in class. And I would come with certificates: Best dancer,
best drummer, best soloist. The sitting room was full of my accolades. Best soloist, the best– You know? So when I finished S6 and wanted to do drummer,
I really didn’t understand why my father didn’t want me to. But his explanation was, funny, but He said,
“What are you going to learn? You’ve been dancing, we’ve seen you dancing,
you’ve acted, you’ve been singing. What singing are they going to teach you? What drummer are they going– How am I going
to pay school fees in a University for you to go and dance some more, sing some more,
and act some more.” And from where he’s coming from, you could
see he was not about to pay his hard earned money. He was a banker who had been retrained. By the time I went to university, he didn’t
have enough money to– Priorities. That’s what he was telling me. And you can see where he was coming from,
and do you know what I did? I did social sciences. Yeah. Then I got that degree, and I gave it to them. Took a picture, I took a picture, graduation
picture. I gave them, said thank you very much. But when I was at university, I was studying
evening social sciences. So during the day, I was at the National Theater. I was in the music department. I even had lecturers that warned me and said,
“You’re very unserious, we’ve never seen you in class one day you come to do exams, we
shall show you.” And they weren’t my lecturers, but they used
to see me a lot in their department and thought I was actually a music student. But I knew what I wanted, like I said. Don’t waste your time, don’t lose track of
what exactly you want. I went, studied that degree and gave it to
them. You see, by the time you give them the degree
that they have paid for, what more can they say. Because at that point, how old are you? You’re probably 22? By that time, whatever it is you want to do,
you’re already in line with it. Within that time, I was already acting. Even when I was doing social services, I was
already acting at the National Theater. So it was easy for me to go– Well, there
was no money, at all by the way. And they made fun of that over and over again. But it also goes back to, is it something
you wanted to do? Because that means you will take that long
road that is needed, that weight that is needed because you know what it is that you want. So yes, I studied, I respected my parents,
gave them their degree, but I don’t think they also know where they put it. Because now I have about seven awards from
all over the world, they’ve nothing to do with social services. And I heard, Kakenya said she grew up in a
poor family. I wanted to compare notes. Like, you guys, did you have leftovers at
home? Or you’d eat everything. Because I’m also poor, the only difference
is we never slept hungry, just that there were no leftovers. When we ate, we finished. Like, even the rats would not have what to
eat if they came out at night. So, that’s the kind of family I was coming
from, so you can’t stand and disrespect that money that they feel they are giving you for
a good education. And I think I’m able to relate to people better
because of the psychology I learned in social sciences, I learned sociology, things that
then I though were wasting my time but I think they’ve equipped me with skills that I didn’t
think would come in handy, but they are coming in handy. So you’ll manage. If it’s what you really want to do, you’ll
manage. Our last question. I hate exams. – [Woman] Hi Kasiime, I love you so much. – I love you more. – [Woman] Like, so, so, so, so much. – Stop, okay me I’m on the “so.” Youlike four. – [Woman] Thank you for a beautiful show. – Thank you. – [Woman] My question was, You are an African
woman who’s a leader, from our perspective, and I just wanted to know what do you think,
what is your vision for Africa moving forward, because this is a leadership conference, we
must speak about they type of woman that are needed for Africa to prosper and continue,
and to actually be a place where everything happens, which is where it started, you know? So, what is your vision for Africa? – You see what America is now? – [Woman] Yes. – I think Africa won’t even be known as America
is known now. Because everything, this is what I believe. Everything beautiful, raw, indiginous, is
African. It is Africa. Today morning, let me give you a small example. I know you’re talking about leadership, but
today morning, we’re having breakfast. I love fruits, and they served a pineapple. Thank you man, I’m telling you. I know what you’re talking about. So I go to the breakfast cafeteria, with my
plate. And I put pineapples, I expected pineapples. What I was given, I don’t know what it is. I actually asked the man, I was like, “What’s
this?” It looked like a pineapple. She said, “Eat it, it’s a pineapple. Eat it.” That was not a pineapple. If your children are growing up and eating
those things and calling them pineapples, they don’t know what a pineapple is. I’m telling you. So, when you say what vision do I have for
Africa, my God. Okay, the vision I have for myself as an African
woman is so wide, I can’t start telling you where I think I’m going to be. So I can’t begin to tell you where my continent
is going to be, even five years from now. Because, So, when you’re asking me to get
a bombshell in my head, if you want me to tell you where Africa is going to be in just
10 year, just 10 years. Lets not go very far, just 10 years. You people, I feel like I’ve passed this exam. Can I go home now? I think we are done. Thank you so much! Thank you so, so, so much. – Please, one more round of applause. Please, one more round. Thank you. One quick announcement, there are shuttles
for those who have registered to go back to the Hampton Inn. They are located out front, at the Alumnae
Hall. I hope to see you all back tomorrow. Have a good night.