Jimmy’s Monologue from the University of Texas at Austin

Jimmy’s Monologue from the University of Texas at Austin

November 9, 2019 56 By Stanley Isaacs


-♪ All right, oh, hey ♪ -♪ Hey, hey hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, hey hey, hey ♪ ♪ All right, all right ♪
-♪ Hey, hey hey, hey ♪ -♪ All right, oh, hey ♪ -♪ Hey, hey hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, hey hey, hey ♪ ♪ All right, all right ♪
-♪ Hey, hey hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ -♪ Hey, hey ♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Look at this! Oh, my goodness.
Look at you guys! Welcome, everybody!
Welcome, welcome, welcome! Oh. [ Cheers and applause ] Welcome to “The Tonight Show.” We are coming to you from the University of Texas
in Austin. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Thank you to the students
for being here, the school for having us, and Samsung
for making all this possible. I am so happy to be in Austin.
I’ve done it all. I came, I saw,
I got into a scooter accident. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] You guys, I am so pumped to
bring “The Tonight Show” to U.T. Because if you saw my grades
in high school, you’d know this is the only way
I was getting into U.T. [ Laughter ] We have 3,000 students
in the house tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] You guys are the best. So many people wanted to come, we had to do a lottery
for tickets. But if you wanted
to come somewhere that’s easy to get into, y’all
would be at Texas A&M right now. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! -Snap! Dang! -By the way, I like my jacket.
Right? I like my jacket.
I like this frill. [ Laughter, cheers ] I wanted
to look like Johnny Cash. Instead, I look like
Woody from “Toy Story” going through a goth phase. [ Laughter ] Had to put this outfit on
after I jumped into the U.T. fountain in my suit. Please don’t tell me
what you did to that fountain. I don’t want to know.
[ Laughter ] I don’t want to know
what’s in that water. But this morning, I woke up
with a rash on my longhorn. Do you know
if that makes sense to you? [ Laughter ] One of the best parts about U.T. has to be the live
Longhorn mascot, Bevo. [ Cheers and applause ] He’s a real live steer.
Let’s take a look at him. Where’s Bevo —
There he is. Aw, yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] That’s right. That’s the 15th Bevo
in U.T. history. And if you want to know what
happened to the other 14 — Franklin Barbecue,
located at 900 East 11th Street, Austin, Texas, 78702. [ Laughter ] I wanted you all to know
that there will be no political jokes tonight. I also want you to know
that your school colors are white and burnt orange, so you’re making it pretty hard. I just want
to let you know this. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] I’ve had the best time here. This week felt
just like my time in college — I didn’t go to class,
I don’t know any girls, and I’ll be gone
before graduation.