If University Students Were Honest: PART 2

If University Students Were Honest: PART 2

October 15, 2019 8 By Stanley Isaacs


I’m just sending you a passive aggressive text to let you know that you left the dishes in the sink. I mean, I haven’t bought the textbook or gone to lecture but at least I have my student card. So, ya I’m ready for this exam. I know somebody asked this like 10 minutes ago, but I’m just going to ask it again just to waste everyone’s time. This is my friend, but I can’t remember
his name so I’m going to stand here awkwardly and not introduce you guys and hope you guys introduce each other. Oh that’s okay! I wasn’t going to remember his name anyways! Haha! Ow, this really hurts! Good! I’m going to pretend I didn’t know that you and your boyfriend broke up even though four people have already told me. I’m really worried for the exam tomorrow. Like, how are you going to study for it? Uhh, probably gonna watch a couple episodes of ‘Friends’ and call it a night! Hey can I borrow a pen? Ya sure! This is my favourite one. Oh cool! I’m not going to give it back though. I did this last night at 4 a.m. I had no idea what I was writing about, and I printed it 3 minutes ago at Weldon. Did you cite it Chicago? Um, I don’t see my part in the report anymore… Oh! Yeah, I deleted it cause it was shit. Thanks for being useless! My current grade? Thirty five. I want at least a hundred. Final is worth fifty. Okay, let’s calculate
what I need on the final. *gasp* Oh my god! It says I need 165% on my final to get 100 overall. Kay we’re definitely going out tonight… Hey, do you mind moving your really big fat head? I’m really invested in your dramatic iMessage conversation. He broke up with you over text? That sucks. I did a lot worse than you on that exam but, I’m gonna tell you that I didn’t try just so I feel better about myself. Sound good? Hey, I just have like a few things. Do you mind watching it while I go take nap for 6 hours? Oh okay, yeah sure. But if someone comes to steal it, I’m not gonna move. Oh. Hey can I volunteer for your club? Yeah sure, but I’m actually not going to get you to do anything if that’s cool. It’s okay, it’s for my resume anyways. Hey, I know you from somewhere… We matched on Tinder! And then you ghosted me… Ya well, now I’m ghosting you in real life. Shoot. So none of us want to be here right now, so let’s just divide up the work and go home. Okay! Oh I’m sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Hey are you coming to lecture today? No, actually I’ve decided to go sit and wait in academic counselling for 5 hours only not to be seen. You know? Love that for you. I’m paying $7,000 to watch you read off a PowerPoint. And you made a spelling error… I can’t split the Uber with you because I’m broke. No worries! But, do you like my new Airpods? Oh, they’re really nice! So you guys all did really well on the exam, but because of the bell curve, I’m giving you all a sixty three. That’s going to look great on my Ivey application! Oh hey, I hooked up with your roommate last night. Oh! And your brother! Thank for being such a good friend and always listening to me. I really appreciate it. I’m nodding and pretending like I care about your life, but I really don’t. *loud typing* I really don’t know you, but you’re typing very aggressively, and I really f*cking hate you. So I’m failing 7 classes, but I’m only in
5. I don’t even know how that’s possible! Hm! *farts* Can you smell that? Yup! That was me! I haven’t eaten a vegetable in like 3 weeks, and I’ve just been eating McDonalds at Oxford and Wharncliffe. That’s so healthy, are you in Health Sci? Yep. Oh my god. Please don’t sit next to me. Please don’t sit next to me. Oh my god. Oh my god. Please don’t sit next to me! I was only friends with you because I hated everybody else on our floor. Oh, in first year? Don’t worry, I hate you too. Let’s not talk this year. Okay! *music plays* Um, hey can you turn your music down? I can hear the bass of Sicko Mode, and I literally want to cut my ears off. *clears throat* This might be on the exam… *clears throat* *clears throat* I’m going to tell you I’m in Ivey, but I’m actually in BMOS and my average is sixty two. Oh my god! That’s so hot. I’m actually an AEO. That’s so hot. *loud crunching of chip bag* Can you please shut the f*ck up? I’m not enrolled in this class, and I’m actually in the wrong lecture. But, I’m too embarrassed to walk out, so I guess I’m going to be learning about quantum physics for the next hour! I’m trash! Hahaha! Wait, what is that? *beep* I really don’t… Hahahaha! *beep* Kay…retake one more time… *beep* I really don’t know you, but I already f*cking hate you. *types louder* Ha!