CH Does The Purge (Full Version!)

CH Does The Purge (Full Version!)

August 15, 2019 100 By Stanley Isaacs


(choppy electronic music) – Thank you all for attending this mandatory team-building session. This year, instead of trust falls, we’re making you all do the Purge. – [All] What? (intense music) (alarm blaring) (fire alarm ringing) – Well don’t just stand there, go Purge. Doesn’t that look like fun? (screams and wet stabs) – Yeah, okay, but so all crime is legal? – Ah yes, but you can’t harm any high-level government employee, but that probably won’t affect you. Isn’t there something illegal
that you always wanted to do? – Well, I guess I’ve always
wanted to steal a car. – Great, great, well go do that, then. – But then tomorrow, do I have to go to the DMV to get it registered? – Oh shit, that’s a good question. – Yes, I guess, technically you would have to register it, mhmm. – Uh, what about proof of insurance? – Yeah, do that too,
but the theft is legal. – Do I have to prove I
stole it during the Purg? Or will they just assume? Like, what if I stole a car
yesterday? Hypothetically? – Just go kill someone. – Oh, thank you for bringing up murder. Now, hypothetically, if I
wanted to kill Grant, right, and I stab him, stab him just before the Purge ends but he doesn’t die until
after the Purge is over, does that count? Is that okay? – Uh yeah, yeah, that’s fine. – What if it’s a gun? What if I fire it, like, right
as it ends, so the bullet– – You’re all over-thinking this. Let’s just deal with these situations if and when they come up, huh? (pained screams, chainsaw revving) – So I have a question. (sighs) Cocaine, is that legal? – Yes, yes, cocaine is legal. – Ah cool, so I won’t get addicted. – Ah, that’s great.
– Oh, that’s good. – Actually, that’s not how drugs work. – Oh, I got one. – Ah, you know what? This isn’t a freshman ethics class, it’s the fucking Purge. (screams) – If the Purge only happens in America, does that include territories
like Guam and Puerto Rico? – Yeah, uh, what’s up with that? – I don’t know, sure. – Follow up, Guam is over the international
date line, right? So does that mean they
have a Purg yesterday? – It’s pronounced Purge! – What am I saying? – Ooh, what about Canada? That’s basically America. – No, no it’s not. – I’m bad a geography, you know, it’s this shoddy American education system, or should I say, Canadian
education system. – No. – But I can still Purge though, right? Even though I’m not an American citizen? – Weirdly, yes. – [Both] Oh, I have a question. (squeals) – No, you can go.
– No, you go ahead. – Oh, no. – [Both] Okay, what if– – Ahh, okay, this time,
I’m not gonna say anything. – You go ahead. – No, you go, please. – Um, what if– (blood spraying) (body thuds) – Okay, I guess I’ll go. Are the unforgivable curses
from Harry Potter okay? – Can I own a ferret? They’re usually illegal in California. – And if I marry multiple
people during the Purge, do I get to stay married after? I just love love. – [All] Aww. – Okay, everyone, just do whatever you want
for the next 12 hours and don’t worry about
the illegal minutiae. – Ooh, what’s going on at the
International Space Station? – Ugh, god. – ‘Cause that’s partly owned by the US, so does that mean just
part of it is Purging? – It’s actually called, purg’ing. – Astronauts are high-level
government employees, do you ever think of
that you fucking moron? So the Purge isn’t happening
on the Space Station. – You know, I could’ve been an astronaut if it weren’t for my
shoddy Canadian education. – Canada is not part of America, alright? What is wrong with you people? Act on any dark impulse in your
little twisted hearts, okay? Kill each other, for all I care. Go Purge! – Okay. – No, those are trademarked,
you can’t use those. – [All] Ooh.
– I’m sorry. – No, no, no, I mean,
that’s why we were all– (heavy bangs) – Okay, well, that should
keep those maniacs out. – Trapp, I feel like a
machete’s a little much. – Cynthia, I’m a master of edged weapons. – Goddammit, Siobhan. – Oh god, Grant, what are you doing? – Whatever I want. Today, no one can stop me. Siobhan… I’m gonna eat your lunch! – What? (salad leaves crunching) – Purge, baby! – This is how you’re Purging? – I can do whatever I want today, and no one can judge me for it. – It’s not illegal to eat Siobhan’s lunch. – And we can all still judge you, which we definitely are. – [Siobhan] You don’t have
to wait until the Purge, it’s technically fine. – Is it technically fine
to drink expired milk? – [All] Ugh! – Oh, god. (loud gulping) – I mean, yes? – Aw, fuck the USDA! – Those laws aren’t for
you, they’re for farmers. This isn’t Purging! – I can’t hear you, I’m
smoking cigarettes inside. – It’s not illegal to smoke inside, it’s just against company policy, which I think is still in place. – It doesn’t affect your hearing– – Hearing. – [Both] Don’t do that. Stop it. Stop, Grant, stop it. – Eh, you don’t like it
Boobsy, call the police! – Boobsy? – Johnny Law ain’t coming for that one! – Doesn’t make you a
criminal to be sexist, it just makes you a fucking douchebag. – I can’t hear you, I’m
gonna fuck this cantaloupe. – You keep saying you can’t hear us but, wait, what? – I’m gonna fuck this melon. – No, no, no, no, no, no! – I’m gonna do it. – No, Grant, please. – I’m gonna fuck this melon! – That’s not illegal, but
it’s still horrifying. – I’m gonna fuck a melon! – Don’t you fuck that melon! – Grant, no! – Don’t fuck it. – I swear to fucking
god, you’re dead to me. – I’ma add a good hole to
this cantaloupe for my penis. – Do this in a bathroom. – Oh, god, don’t spit on it. – [All] Ugh, god! – Goddamn it! – Put it down! – No! (tongue flapping wetly) – You’ll go to hell for this. – This melon’s about to
get fucked by yours truly. – I will shoot your dick
off, I will shoot it off! – I’m gonna fuck this melon, right now. – [Siobhan] Grant, please! – Scrape it off by the melon! (stabbing noise) – Oh my god Zac, thank you so much. – Guess you could say I’m a master of edged weap– – Edged weapons, right, yeah, me too, I’m also a master of edged weapons. – Crap. (chainsaw revving) (dramatic choir) – This is bad. – What are we gonna do? – Oh, free office supplies. – Oh, sick! – Purg.
– Purge. – Purg. – (sing-song whine) Purge. (gunshot firing) – Cop! – Sorry, we’re just, we’re not– – We’re just writing stuff down. – I’m not gonna hurt you. – Thank god. – But I don’t know if I’m
gonna save you either. Ugh, what a choice. – Okay, well, that’s fine. – No! I can’t just leave these
two pathetic people to die. Alright, I’ll save you,
but we need to move. (gun clicks) Now. – If you don’t wanna save
us, you don’t have to. – Yeah, it’s fine. – Really? What’s your plan? You gonna comedy write
your way out of this, huh? – Alright, fine. – It seems like a lot of people
would’ve just left you guys, so, I dunno, maybe you could– – What do you want us to say, thank you? – We don’t have time for that. Let’s move. (gun clicks) Now! (descending synth music) (metal clanging) – Alright, we gotta make
it to the seventh floor. There’s a safe haven in
the southwest corner. Fuck off and die, pig. (pig squeals) (gunshot fires) (high pitched vocalization) Heh, would you guys have done that? – I don’t think so, no. – No, probably not. You got any compliments for me? Any you wanna lay on me? Nothin’? Alright, now save it for later, save it for when I get
you out of this alive. – Okay. (moody electronic music) – I was just thinkin’ about how bad I saved you guys back there. I was like augh! Didn’t panic. I bet you’re wondering how
many times I’ve Purged. – How many times? – I don’t wanna talk about it. Anyway, super safe up there. Doors automatically lock, you guys will feel pretty secure, I’d be feeling that right now
if I were, y’know, on my own. – Okay, what do you want us to say? (female scream) – Yeah, man, I feel like you want us to be way more thankful to you
than we actually need to be? Like, you found us– – Shh, shut your faces. Did you hear that? – Guys, guys! There’s free office suppl– (gunshot fires) – Goodnight, bitch boy Roy. You’re welcome. – Jesus Christ, dude, that was our friend! – This whole thing is fucked! Don’t you guys see how fucked all this is? You’re gonna lose friends along the way! I’m sorry, I bet this guy
wouldn’t blame you though. – He’s gonna blame you,
you’re the one who killed him! – This guy scares me, ow. – Okay, that’s the story we wanna go with so you guys feel better
about what happened, fine. I’ll take one for the team. (emotional piano) Anyway, I was just remembering
earlier about how that guy jumped out and tried
to fucking kill you guys and I stopped him from doing it. God, I feel like I’m out here kicking ass and you guys don’t even fucking care. – Okay, yeah, I think we’re just gonna go out on our own. – Yeah, you’re kind of a loose cannon, so. – Pfft, alright. Let’s see how far you little
dipshits get without me then. – Alright, bye. – See ya. – [Siobhan] I don’t believe that guy. – Doesn’t even know what he’s doing. What are you doing? – What are you doing? – Are you following us? – You guys following me? You guys are a couple
of fucking shitheads, and you need to listen up. I’m tired of playing Mr. Nice Guy, patty cake, give the dog a bone. Because I’m the only thing
that’s keeping you guys alive, you understand me? So from now on, what I say goes. You ever seen one of those before? – A gun? – You guys are smarter than
you look, that surprised me. Skinny looks stupid and
Blondie looks even stupider. Here’s a tip! Point that end at what you want to die and squeeze the trigger til it clicks. Capiche? Capiche? – Yes. – I gotta get your fucking
skinny no-good asses upstairs to the seventh floor before the real bad boys come out to play. And lemme tell you
something about these guys. They can smell a pussy from a mile away, and you two, pardon me, are
the biggest candy ass pussies to ever walk god’s green earth. (sniffs) Let’s go. (gunshots firing repeatedly) – Ooh, I bet there’s other
office supplies on other floors. – Nice. (gunshot fires) ♪ P-P-P-Purge Purge Purge,
Purge is the Wordge. ♪ (spray can hissing and rattling) – Cynthia! – Hey, girl! I’m Purging to the very last second. – Me too. – Huh? (pained screams) – What the fuck, Katie? – God, no, you fucking creepy bitch! (alarm blaring) – [Announcer] And this
concludes the annual Purge>Have a wonderful day. – Um, Katie? – Yeah, what’s up? – What was that? – What was what? – You trying to kill me! – It was the Purge, it’s
what you’re supposed to do. – When you bashed my leg and
stabbed me in the stomach, that really hurt my feelings? – Well, I don’t know
what you want me to say. Okay, that’s just how it’s done, you’re just being really sensitive. – I just can’t believe
you would do that to me. – That’s so awkward. Confronting someone
about their Purge actions is like asking someone why they
unfriended you on Facebook. – Well, I just feel betrayed. – Okay, this is gonna sound bad, but maybe you’re just mad because I know how to
Purge better than you? – Ugh, whatever, let’s just drop it. (pained groans) – Could I just get some water? – Of course. Hey, maybe we could plan that road trip we’ve been talking about. You know, and we can
finally get around to that. – I can’t, I’m busy. – Forever? – Let me check. Yup, forever. – You’re still mad? How are you still mad? – Because it just fucking happened. Ow… – You know, you’re not
completely innocent here, okay I saw you spray painting. – I was spray painting Find your Light. – That’s still super illegal, okay, that is, you would go to jail if this were not the Purge. (blood gushing) (fearful yelp) – Ugh. – Wow, okay, I guess I’ll be the one to call my own ambulance. – I’ll do it, okay, I’m a good friend. Hi, I have my friend here who was stabbed. – By you. – And she needs an ambulance, yeah. Okay, thank you. They said the wait time for
an ambulance is 90 days, I think it might have
something to do with the Purge. – Yeah, of course it has
to do with the Purge. And now I’m gonna die because of you! – No. – Don’t touch me, murderer! – I’m not trying to Purge you now, okay, I Purged you during the Purge, when you’re supposed to be Purging. – I can’t believe you won’t say sorry. – I shouldn’t have to, it was the Purge! Why are you not understanding this? – Oh, goddamn it. – Where are you going? Cynthia, you should not be walking. (body thuds to floor) – Aw, man. I feel really guilty for some reason. – Don’t feel guilty, it’s the Purge! (gore dripping) – Hi, it’s Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor. Click here to subscribe, click
here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please, please help, please help.