Aprender de la soledad – Enric Corbera

Aprender de la soledad – Enric Corbera

November 19, 2019 100 By Stanley Isaacs


Learning from solitudeHello, how are you? Well… Many familiar faces. Well, that’s, on one hand good, but on the other it’s bad. You always in the front row! He’s from my village. Well, thank you very much Barcelona. That there are almost 400
people in Barcelona is almost a miracle. I mean, in Barcelona and Spain. Because after all that is raining
around here. Well, thank you for your trust
for your loyalty, For your affection. Anyways,
for being here. Well, it hasn’t been three weeks
since I’ve arrived from America and on Saturday I’m leaving again
to America, therefore they tell me, why do you go to
America so much? Well… Because there is a new world. It’s a new world! Well, thank you very much. This conference today aims to… Not to find solutions for
loneliness because loneliness isn’t a problem. That’s to start with. The point is to believe that loneliness is a problem. Today we will realize that Not only is it not a problem but is a consequence of evolution. The problem is when I make judgments… What I understand by loneliness or
what it is like to be alone. Loneliness is a feeling and it is
also a subjective state. that every day is more problematic. We live in a world as Teresa
said a moment ago, in which we’re all very connected. I think the world has never been so connected like now, and we all carry
the connection here. Here it is. Some pills too… Here is one’s connection
to the world, and at the same time we’re so alone. One of the phenomena that
really demonstrates that is the need that we have
to communicate and the need to be in the social networks. It seems that if you are not in the social
networks, you do not exist. Does this ring a bell? Therefore, there is a
compulsive need to be in the world, to be known and
to relate to each other. But people have a great
feeling of loneliness. Well, I know loneliness
deeply. I can speak very well
about loneliness. And it will be because I already
have certain age too. That also counts. I will always remember
the first time I felt really alone. I must have been about 17 or 18 years old
and I still see myself in a street of my village.
I was leaving home and I felt excluded from
my family. I’m not going to talk about my family
because it’s the best. that life has given me and
thanks to my family I am who I am. But, that represents that I’ve had to overcome so many
things in my life. But, I felt that who I was, was not part of that. Very strict ideas, very fundamentalist,
especially in religion. And I felt like I didn’t belong there,
and I decided to leave. Besides, it’s archetypal. At that age one has to
look towards the the family nucleus.
This does not mean that you don’t have to be
relating to your family. That has to be clear. I felt tremendously alone. I experienced loneliness
and obviously, I’m saying something here right now that everyone has to know and
maybe will have experienced, that is, to be in solitude or being alone, it’s tremendously uncomfortable. It’s very uncomfortable.
Therefore, That discomfort makes a lot of people
that doesn’t know how to endure, and they are
always be looking for that social interaction. But today we will find that
this discomfort, is the way for you to be strong and mentally invincible. I had several experiences as well. I remember at work that
I had a confrontation with the Managment
Department. I was a quality director, as some of you know. And, I guess that because
of some financial strategies that I did’nt
know about, they released a
group of products I knew they
were gonna give me back with the problems that
it would entail… And I opposed this. And, they decided to bullying me. It wasn’t called bullying before.
I don’t know what name it had. But, they tried to exclude me. They didn’t fire me. But, they excluded me. Exclude means that,
I was walking by the company, but
like I’m a ghost. Do you understand? Well, I don’t know if
you understand me, because to understand that,
you have to live it. It’s like you’re there,
but you’re not seen. No one addresses you, no one asks you anything, or anything like that.
And I was like this for a year. But what the businessmen
didn’t know, was that I had already gone
through feeling lonely. And I had regained the
strength of solitude. When I was 17 or 18, I remember perfectly that loneliness made me feel so lonely, that I felt that in the end with
the only person who you have to be all your life,
it’s with yourself. And this is the problem
of feeling alone. When people are not
with themselves. When they are not faithful
to themselves. Then, I recognized that fidelity
and that gave me such great
inner strength, that has made me
what I am today. Without going any further,
after one year they called me again. Because the company
was so bad again as it was before.
And when I put it in order,
I left. Again. To say something, lately they have slandered me,
vilified me, told lies, they have threatened me.
basically, everything. And the only thing they have achieved,
do you know what it is? To be stronger. Do you know why? Because Jungian
psychologists tell us that when we’re able to resist that
tremendous loneliness, a creative force emerges
from us that makes us invincible. Nothing can defeat us for one simple reason.
Because you understand, you feel, you know and
you experience that we can’t be alone. It is impossible. That is why today’s proposal is that we’re going to see the different aspects of
what loneliness is. We will not enter into
emotional dependencies because that’s another conference,
you know that. But we will
pass over it. We will also see what the pathological loneliness and
we’ll see what loneliness is positive. And, above all, some
guidelines of what we have to do
in case that we feel alone.
Is that clear? Well, let’s get started. Let’s see if I know how this works. So, to be clear, Are you all connected already, family? Yeah? Are you already? Everyone has their own image
of the experience of solitude, because everyone has it.
We are going to change the perception of all that.
Let’s learn from that experience. Let’s move
away from victimhood and guilt. Yeah? Let’s stop believing that
our happiness and well-being depends on
what happens outside. Let’s realize that we can be perfectly in
harmony and in coherence with
ourselves. Perfect. One principle and
the only principle. o Marchant’s book, Cure who’s a science journalist,
I think she’s PhD in microbiology and
genetics as well. One of her testimonies reads
as follows: “the universe is connection,
it is communication. If you start to lose that
you start to die.” This would be very
much like what Nikola Tesla said
in his day, if you want to know all the
secrets of the universe, they must know
we’re energy, we are information, we vibrate,
therefore we resonate. Jo Marchant, reminds us of the importance of the relationship there is
between mind-body, that there are still places
and people who think that’s got nothing
to do with it. When in reality our mind, as Dr. Boukaram would say, our emotions,
our feelings, basically,
how we vibrate in our life, all
that resonates in our corporeality. All cells resonate.
When we have an impact,
automatically the impact we feel it all over
our body. it’s instantaneous.
So, she explains to us to what extent something
Buddha already said, that even your worst enemies
can’t do you so much harm. as your own
thoughts. Therefore, whatever
you think. What do you
really think? If you have a sad
thought you’re going to notice the
sadness all over your body. Kinesiology shows
us that. We are able to be
wagging the partridge with a sad thought.
Oh, oh, they have left me
alone and abandoned! and thrown here
and there! With this, what do you think
is going to happen? You’re going to feel terrible! You’re going to feel terrible.
You’re going to feel bad. Therefore,
Jo Marchant teaches us in that
book Cure the power of the mind
and the thoughts. It teaches you to what
extent our thoughts reverberate throughout
our body. And to what extent, if we
don’t take care this food as important as the
food of the mind, If we don’t take care of that,
let’s not hope that our body could be
magnificent. I have the very healthy habit of running practically
every day. When I’m not going to run
I’m flying. It is like this, haven’t you been
running today? No, I’m flying. But normally it is like that
and you realize that you play
some music and there comes a
time when you’re so immersed
in the music and what you’re doing that you go with the rhythm
of the music. Your breathing. And the music, if for
whatever reason it is not upbeat, it’s that
you even loosen up. That you go without music and
you have a negative thought a concern, you slow down
automatically. Are you aware of that?
I suppose so. Well, that’s fine. Therefore, attention to how we use feelings. No one is saying we
shouldn’t feel. If we didn’t feel we
wouldn’t be alive. Feelings and emotions are evolutionary.
They are part of the evolution and
they are adaptive. When we feel something,
remember, is the rational explanation
I give myself to an emotion. When I experience
an emotion that all beings
experience them. Animals don’t explain it to them.
Humans do. And when we explain
our emotions then they’re feelings. Therefore, my feelings are rational explanations
of my emotions. Clarified that. And it’s very important
because the emotion always tells us
about ourselves but we don’t know what
to do with emotion. And then with
that emotion we explain our stories
to ourselves And this is the big problem
of the human being. That we have developed
neocortex, is very big and then there any story that happens
to us, we will explain it to us.
And then we live in those feelings and in those subjective
states of solitude. You’ll see
that loneliness. Fear of loneliness has
a biological sense. Let’s continue. So,
we are going to see That the modern
world every day is more concerned
about that growing pandemic that is
loneliness, to such an extent is
concerned, that social isolation or the feeling of
being alone increases the risk
of death by 26 to 30 percent. I remember a
friend that her grandmother
was very ill. they had to put
her in the hospital She had a lung problem,
anyway. And they took her to the hospital
and they said, it can last a few days,
a few weeks. but it’s really bad.
But, the lady didn’t just die. She didn’t just die! She didn’t leave! And the point is that
as she continued like yes, like no. She couldn’t
stay in the hospital. So, her children decided,
well, let’s take her to a
nursing home and that at least she stays in
the residence, and that take care of her until
her time comes. ¡Eh Voilà! She arrived
at the nursing home and within two months she was
organizing the residence. ¡Eh Voilà! It was like that. Oh, what a miracle! No, it wasn’t a miracle, is biological. The woman was dying because she felt tremendously alone. The meaning of her
life had disappeared. She didn’t know
what to do. Do you follow me? She didn’t feel useful. On top of that, the children
came and left. Well, they had their jobs, their stories, and their families.
Of course. But she was alone. She felt alone. When
She got there and saw people of
her own age, she began to recover and on top
of that, she was helping the nurses with
the other ones. What a miracle! No. It’s not a miracle,
it’s just a person who felt
useful again. Yes? Anthony de Mello tells us
that in one African tribe, as an anecdote, when someone does something
that goes against the tribe and it’s serious,
they exclude him socially. And they last 15 days,
3 weeks and die. For you to see that social exclusion is one of the
greater fears than the human being has iintegrated. Is that clear? And although we are not
very aware of that, that’s the way it is. It’s very biological. It is adaptive. In the United Kingdom 60%
of people between 18 and 34 years claim to be lonely. In the United States,
46% of the population feels lonely on a regular basis. Lack of strong social bonds doubles the risk of death
from any cause. People who are alone
have levels of elevated stress hormones
and inflammation with all the health problems
that this entails. Today it is considered that
the feeling of loneliness and the isolation
of solitude is more serious than
obesity, smoking, and other drugs.
Therefore, family, if you remember,
there’s an experiment that we’ve talked
about many times. It is the development of adults.
It tells us that really helps to relieve stress
and to have an a healthy senescence,
is to have relations of quality. Not many. Even if they are few, of quality.
Good. So, for many loneliness is a burden and
they fear it. It is an enemy public and declared. How many times have
I been told battered women that we’ll talk
about if we have time to talk a little bit about
that today, that tell me, It’s that I don’t leave my husband,
who mistreats her every day, because
I’m afraid to stay alone. People that are independent,
they have jobs, who have careers, education. And they do not depend
at all on their husband. I’m running dry from the throat. And they’re still holding on to
that situation. The emotional enviroment that they have lived
early on in live, really mark those stories and we’ll
get this far. Well, therefore, to feel alone can be overwhelming
and cause feelings of distress. And one of the things
that really feed the feeling
of loneliness is to believe that we’re separated. Remember, we are energy, we are vibration,
we resonate. Therefore, everything that
surrounds us, the relationships we have,
are related with us. Absolutely with us. It is impossible to be separate, as we’ll see later. It is possible to feel separated. Or feel alone.
Very good, Why are we afraid
to be alone? Francesc Torralba, in the Art of Being Alone,
is a theologian and philosopher that tells us: “loneliness
frightens us because with it all the masks fall.”
What do you mean by that? We live in a tremendously hypocrite world. I can’t go out like this.
How can you go looking like this? How dare you wear that?
Do all those words ring a bell? What are they going to think of you?
How are you dressed like that in this place? Well, that doesn’t happen
in California. In California you can find anywhere a billionaire or a top person. An engineer, a scientist, and
he goes with flip-flops, in gnawed shorts
and a T-shirt. who looks like a homeless.
He seems to be a homeless. There is an impressive
concept of freedom. A general manager can
introduce himself at a stockholders’ meeting
with flip-flops and shorts and a T-shirt. The people there pass
this olympically. They overlook this. That’s why there are ideas
that change the world. All the ideas that have changed
the world come from there. All of them! And you only notice
it when you arrive. Well, that’s where A Course in Miracles
began, so imagine it. Therefore, we live in a world in
which we are constantly very attentive to others. We are always
living every complement. We seek recognition. But very
few times we stop to quiet down and
take our time. Francesto Rolban tells us, that
it is necessary to remove and to unraveled
the myth of the fear of loneliness. He advocates in the book of
The Art of Being Alone, the benefits of being alone. Don’t worry, we’ll get there too. Here we go. I’m going to present a small
video that is subtitled. OK? But, even if you don’t finish reading it, the drawings are very explicit
and it will be very clear and if you don’t get it, we will
explain it. Well, we are the most social species
that exists. The most. Then, we do not conceive not to live in society. It is true that the other
day I was seeing a National Geographic
documentary. I watch T.V. for very few things.
Documentaries, a movie I like, and of course, MotoGP. The only thing that makes me
nervous is Marc Márquez. He’s the only one when I’m
watching the races, he is the only thing that makes me nervous.
Because the guy makes you get nervious. You never know
what he is going to do. Okay, taking this off. I like these
documentaries. And there’s a program that’s
called The Last Frontier about Alaska. The Last Frontier, which talks about Alaska, right? And then there’s a guy
who’s 64 years old. That 64-year-old guy could be
my grandfather. I’m 65 years old. I was scared listening to him. Sad, dull, living alone.
That extension here, such and such. This is pathological. I mean, it’s pathological.
He seems how he was turning
himself off, and there was an image from a
helicopter where you could see the extent of where he was
and there was no one for hundreds of miles. What did that guy miss there?! What did he lose? OK? What do I mean by that? That, although many people
want and feel to live alone, but that’s
tremendously polarized. Notice how he felt to die that his daughter goes with a small plane,
because you have to go with a small plane. And the guy gives what
he wants the most. Which It’s like I tell you, look, I give
you the only thing I have that is a dog. Remember the movie about…? What’s his name? Now I don’t remember the name. The one that he was
talking with a ball. Cast Away! Cast Away, That’s what I’m explaining. In the end
you have to talk to someone. Even if it’s a ball. But he gives his dog away,
and he says, is the best dog in the world. And he gave it to his daughter,
but his daughter left. And well done, of course. We’ll talk about dependencies,
right now. Don’t worry. Okay? We’ll talk about
the dependencies. Dad, this is your world. Perfect. Daughter, come. He said goodbye
to her and gave her the dog. You get the best of me.
The dog. And that’s the end of the story.
You can imagine how it ended, didn’t it?
I guess he fell down the road and a bear passed by,
and ate him. Or, if it wasn’t a bear,
it was another animal. All right. Is it clear why we have this ancestral fear of
being alone? Because it’s evolutionary. We alone, that’s where it is. We’re not going anywhere
on our own. Therefore, we create those
social needs. And everybody knows those
social needs. The right to education, to health, to safety, to the house. They are social rights.
Living in society represents that if I have a problem
in principle I’m going to be protected by that society. There are people who exclude
themselves from society. Or people who have felt
excluded from society. For example, people may
feel excluded. of society when social strata
are created. For example, if you’re in Paris. You’re in abandoné You’ll see that most of them
are people of color. Okay? And there’s a lot more crime, where there are drug problems, etcetera… Therefore, we’re not that perfect. We don’t do it
so well, huh? And, we can also live
in a country like America, where education is worth
not one kidney but two. Huh? And you realize that as you move
around the world, like the social systems I’ve seen. I wouldn’t say they’re better
or worse than others. Because on the one hand some of them
are an excess like Argentina can be, where all are rights and
few are duties. As you can go to the United States
that all are duties, and then if you do your duties,
you have your rights. No? there’s that point that’s
like a scale. Then you realize that the
problem is always in the dependency that’s what
we’re going to talk about now. Huh? That’s just a topic to talk about
in a separate conference, because it’s very interesting. It’s called from vertical dependency
to horizontal dependency. Okay? Vertical dependence is
obviously necessary. That is, when we are
this for a while we need someone to help us grow, we are the species that puts more energy,
more time, and more of everything to their creatures. Ok? The problem is
that we are beings. We are mad, We’re like a goat. It is misaligned around here,
where we have 36-year-old kids, huh? who have girlfriends
and are out all day but they depend on
mom and dad. Okay? There is still a
vertical dependence. Do you follow me? And we are
in the other polarity. There is another vertical dependency
upside down, where the children are
mom and dad. And we have the girls, the daughters
who have families or the children they have to take care of or
are forced to take care of his parents. Therefore, we live in a
maladjusted society, but it’s not just this,
it’s that cultures, when we’re in the middle,
when we’re already in relationships and I’m going to talk
about a country I love so much. which is Mexico, I’m going to be
direct with the Mexicans precisely because
I love them, otherwise I wouldn’t. There a Mexican woman,
with studies, a woman who is very successful meets a boy and there it’s
very normal that the boy after a
while tells her, Hey! You should stop working. so you can take care
of our children. That’s vertical dependence. Huh? So we have women
who don’t work, and dependent on the husband.
Do you follow me? And there they have the habit that
every weekend their fun is getting drunk. Are we going to get drunk?
Are we going to play the lover? And I tell them,
let’s get drunk. Pay attention to that. So, here
we are talking about interdependence. Interdependence, I’m going to
pass a slide and then I’ll come back. It is a term used by
Mahatma Gandhi in 1929, affirming that
interdependence was and should be the
ideal of the person as self-sustainable. What does that mean?
That I’m marrying you but you don’t depend on me. Do you understand? I have my potential,
you have your potential, we decide to live together,
we share and we grow. Do you understand? I give, you give me,
you give me, I give you. In parity. So much so that you don’t
have to depend on me in case I’m not here. I don’t know if I’m
explaining myself. I think I’m explaining myself
well, aren’t I? Thank you. Good. And that doesn’t work that way,
because of culture, because of education, because we are taught from childhood
that men are different from women. etcetera… And then women face each other
when they are mothers to educate different from sons and daughters.
Because everything is a déja vu. OK? But that’s what really matters then it turns out that
people who have more dependence. I mean, more fear of loneliness are the ones with the
vertical dependence. OK? The ones with vertical
dependence, are the ones most afraid
of loneliness. On the other hand, those who
have a relationship of interdependence or a horizontal dependency, are people who are not
afraid of loneliness. Because they are people who know that,
if I am with you today, tomorrow I’ll still be with the other one. And the function that we have
done here is over. Are you following? Ok? So, here’s a topic that is very Hispanic. It is from the Hispanic culture. In USA this doesn’t work that way. In USA at the age 18 college. ¿Eh? It’s like you have to learn
to be independent Okay? And here Oh, my child! I have to tell the mother,
How old is your child? Your child, but he’s
already old, Your kid says “not my 42-year-old kid.”
What’s wrong with your kid? Oh, my child! My child, my child can’t find a suitable wife.
Me, having the mother who has. Having the mother he has,
what will he find? Then there are the women here who
tell me, I don’t know if I’m married with my husband or
his holy mother. Not with the holy mother, eh?
They are those who first have to go to the mother and then stop by the house. It rings a bell in all of that,
doesn’t it? Well, that in the Hispanic world is
our daily bread. And here too. Huh? So, like really… We don’t have the emotional
capacity to manage that there is a moment, that here
it is necessary to cut that vertical dependence and here exactly the
same thing. OK? And that doesn’t mean that we
don’t have to take care of our elders. because you’ve already seen that the elder
we had to take care of, the woman who was put into the
nursing home was resurrected. That is the worst thing that
can happen to a woman that has an age, I’m going
to say 90 years because I’m going to be in my
seventies. I mean, you have to put that far away. Well the truth I feel very well, but
that leaves a mark today. It really is to realize that you’re a
piece of junk. You know what a piece of junk is?
Well, you’re a nuisance. That the children are there, ah, you take
care of it. You take care of it. It’s your turn. Me? Don’t tell
me anything, and Grandpa there. Do you follow me? Can you put yourselves
in the Grandpa’s place? Because he wants to die. Fuck! He wants to die, and on top
of that they say speak lower than our grandfather
does not hear us. He doesn’t have to listen to us,
if you can tell. Grandfather will be old,
but not stupid. Huh? It’s important, because we believe that we have to take care
of our parents. But we have a very wrong concept
of how to take care of them. Our parents are
exhausted of us. Eh? And he wants to be with people and
do things with people his age. and not 15 days at his
son’s house. 15 days in his house
and so on. Hey, what if I prolong it
one more week? Can’t be and poor
grandmother there. Like a closet,
take a closet. Okay? And so it is. This is not taking
care of our elders. That’s not taking care
of them. So, we are going become aware of how
we really should relate to our children and how we relate to our elders. Okay? Luckily I have a sample that is
my mother-in-law, who’s 95 years old. If you saw her, I always talk about her,
but she is a wonderful reference. What do I know? At least
like her. They have to operate on her
from the cataracts. and the doctor says,
well don’t worry, when the operation’s over,
you can have a normal life. And my wife says to the doctor, watch what you say to my mother. And the doctor makes a face and says,
what do you mean? You don’t know what my
mother’s normal life is. My mother makes food
for the grandchildren, dinner for I don’t know who, is thinking
that this weekend has to go to her friends and she complains that
she gets all her friends, I mean, fuck! Are you going to
bring them all in? Holy shit! As she’s thinking, where I go
where I let go, etc. And she thinks and then says,
don’t operate on me, doctor. You have to say because now
I have to go on an excursion with our friends and then in
August I want to be here. A plan, so no one needs
to die. Damn it! What have you taken?
What medications do you take? I don’t take any medication.
What do you mean you don’t take any medication? No, let me look at you.
No, no. And when your knee hurts she says, I make a clay poultice that
suits me very well. She says, I’m like my mother.
What did his mother do? And when she felt bad, the doctor would come
and give her a pill and a glass of water and drank a glass of water
and left the pill. She was doing well, of course.
I’ve always talked about it. Well you’ll have to take that lady
don’t worry I’ll take it, don’t worry. And
my wife says, She’ll take it! But what am I explaining with that? The mind, she gets up every morning with a purpose,
with an illusion. Do you follow me? With an intention. I mean,
it’s not the desire to live it is, what am I going to do today? Okay? At 95 years old. So at the end Tutankhamen, I say, that he died young. That is, if we tend him,
he looks like a mummy. And my wife has her genes, Oh, Lord! The result is that she has
caught younger husband. To make it last longer, is that clear
about interdependence? Yes? Look at yourselves if your relationships
are interdependent or if they are dependent. As I am afraid, I repeat,
to feel alone, I’m going to create
emotional dependencies. Are we? And the emotional dependencies,
we’ll talk later, don’t worry. So, interdependence is what
makes individuals to maintain their relationships. Not just because they can get for themselves, but because
of what both members of the relationship can get, as I explained before, okay? The fear of loneliness,
because I just explained it is also the architect
of dependency. We believe that we need
the other to be well, the biggest mistake we make in the emotional dependence, it is to project in the other the responsibility that he has to take care of us and
that he has to make us happy. Does this ring a bell? That’s called to fuck each other’s lives. The worst thing that can happen to you,
do you know what it is? That one day you meet a man or
a woman and say to them, since I met you, I just can’t
live without you. Well, run away, run away. Go running because this is dangerous. I mean, this is very dangerous, pay attention to the
fact that I can’t live without you. I mean, he just projected you. Maybe at first you say Ole! But the next minute
you’re going to feel bad. Huh? because they going to put a spectacular
responsibility on you. Do I have to stop doing something?
What do I have to stop doing? You’ll be looking forward to happiness
all day long, because he’s given you that responsibility, you have to be grateful or pleased. OK? I’m also going to warn you, beware
of couples who always today they are in a bad mood, today
they squeal and the next day they treat them like a prince or a
princesses. Take care, it’s a syndrome,
it’s called the perverse narcissist. Huh? Always being right, they’re never to blame for anything. Here you do it wrong and it’s you, Huh? Does that ring a bell? More than you think. Huh?
Take care of yourselves. Therefore, that emotional dependence, ]
that information that you carry, that resonance
that you have, is what’s in front of you. Therefore, if you are an emotional immature,
you will have an emotional immature ahead of you. Okay? All right, let’s move on. Therefore, the purpose, of knowing
how to be alone is to truly connect with others. No one, no one, can be okay with anyone if he’s
not okay with himself. It’s impossible, because if we
don’t start projecting, in the other a few needs. Huh? And then, we’ll do things for the other to do
these things. that we expect him to do.
Because I’m doing things for him to do. Does this ring a bell? And we’re
doctors and you won’t make cause for that. We’re mambo kings in those things. In Bioneuroemotion we say to ourselves,
to our companions or future companions, You can’t accompany anyone where you haven’t been. Therefore, you will not be able
to accompany anyone to fix his life if you don’t
have your life fixed. That’s right, that’s obvious,
that’s as simple as that. So, if you want to be okay, you want to be okay in a relationship,
you have to be okay with yourselves first. Look, the other day we were…
Now I remember my father-in-law must be out there, You’re around here. And it’s over there, go on. He has a great sense of humor. Whoever has a good sense of
humor is a person who manages their states well. We were in Menorca in Ciutadella, and we’re going to have dinner there
and we had to go through the alleys of Ciutadella. And he says to me, Enric, when you get on an airplane,
you have to put it in airplane mode. We will have to put
shopping store mode. And that’s right, we were walking slowly and
suddenly the lady wasn’t there. She wasn’t there. Where are the ladies? Enric, airplane mode, remember. Just like that, but that wasn’t the i
mportant thing. We were there for a while, and then
I told him when we were having dinner. You know what? What do I value about your company? It is that I don’t need to
talk when I’m with you. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
stop for a few seconds. and observe the addiction we have as soon as we’re with someone
we have to talk. Believing that when we are with
someone we have to talk. Huh? One of the things that people
find most uncomfortable is get into an elevator that there are 3 people
who don’t know each other and they’re all there. You are not going to tell them, well he who has the need says, It’s hot today, isn’t it? It’s the most authorized resource, isn’t it?
Time is always everywhere, always. and you do, yes… Huh? You have to see the elevators
and that’s where you say. and you’re waiting to see if we’re there yet. And see what floor goes this one, such and such. Really the best company you can have is to spend two hours with
someone without talking. Without saying anything, that’s a little more
difficult for women, huh? I admit it. I recognize it, but good because women
are very talkative. Try it. Try it by being around for a while
without saying anything at all. In fact, we should be aware of
something very important. that we would only have
to talk when we really had something to say. Just that. Huh? Because when we hit the boneless, we go to the many things, let’s talk a lot of nonsense. Okay? So, I just commented
on that. I mean, It’s the people I can be
comfortable with without saying anything at all. That is authentic communication. Two people communicate well
when they are together and they don’t have to say anything
to each other. OK? That’s is a marriage that’s in resonance. }Not only is it like that, but
you have a thought and the other one tells you the same thing. You say, I was thinking the same thing. And that person never does that,
and he says, he had thought about it. That happens a lot with my wife,
for example. I thought, we could go to dinner. After 2 seconds, What do you think
if we go to dinner? Or I thought we could go to dinner. Huh? For you see to what extent
our thoughts that are in tune with the people who
make up our social group. Or that we are emotionally involved. The information is going on.
Are we clear? Is that clear? Yes? Therefore, the purpose of
knowing how to be alone is to truly connect
with others. If you really want to connect
with people, is to be silent. Watch them in silence. And you connect with people. We go on. Pathological solitude. Let’s go to the subject, when one doesn’t know
how to be alone. Well this is important. Huh? Good. When you don’t know
how to be alone, quickly uses a tool which is called guilt or making the
other feel guilty. Does this ring a bell? Make the other feel guilty. Huh? It’s, I’m bored at home, I call a boyfriend or
a girlfriend, huh? Hey, why don’t we go
to the movies? and they don’t want to. But you’ll be in charge of reminding
her that there was one time that she called you, too, and you didn’t want to go out. And then you went out. Does that ring a bell?
Huh? There are people that if you don’t fill your head with
noises and doing things, those are the people who are
really afraid of loneliness. Okay? Something has
to be done. Have you ever tried going into your house,
going into a room and closing the door? Boom! No wifi. No tablet, no computer, without books, with only one chair, a pencil and paper. Don’t do it with a pc, because
you’re going to be tempted to try to connect. Don’t do any of that. Huh? And you stay alone, in that silence. And they will realize the mental
noise we have. And how you will sound here?
Why don’t we go? Why don’t we do? So and so, realize how
addicted we are. Of how far away we are
from ourselves. That’s why interpersonal
relationships when one knows how
to be alone. There are pathologies
like jealousy, possessiveness. Huh? Or the typical phrase, you always leave me alone, you never think about me. And I would ask or make
these people think. Why do you project
on the other your need to not know how to be with you and you want the other one to do things
so you don’t feel lonely or alone? How are we doing?
Are we doing well? That’s a very lapidary phrase. You always take care of your things. And what does your husband say?
He says, he’s an asshole and he answers me. Pendejo is a Mexican word
that I love. What does it mean for me is
emotional immaturity. The asshole answers me, you take care of yours. And I say, good answer. Huh? Yes, take his side. You always take care
of your things, then take care of yours. when you don’t know
how to be alone, we always feel like we’re being
disappointed by others. Or they let us down. Why? Because we strive to be
pleasing. We strive to be socially accepted. We do things, let’s visit the friend you don’t
want to visit. Let’s visit the family you
don’t want to visit. Let’s have lunch on a Sunday with the person you don’t
want to eat. And then we say,
have you seen? Have you seen?
Have you seen, darling? And darling says, what? Have you seen? How did we get to
your sister’s house? And have you seen her husband? Have you seen? Yes. But haven’t you noticed? Of course! She always does
the same thing. But isn’t this man ever going to change? No! What I don’t understand is why you get
angry if you know what he’s going to do. Does this ring a bell? Does that sound like it? Huh? When you don’t want to be with others. Okay? There are people,
I’ll give you an example very recurrent and
I think women, is dedicated to women.
Above all, the women of America. It’s not that there aren’t any of these
women here, there are too, but… There are many feminicides
there, as they say. Feminicides. Feminicide is the name
given to murdered women by their partners. Hmm? Good! What we were going to. Women. There, especially in
Latin America They live a lot of
gender violence. And there is a lot of male chauvinism,
but it is an inculcated male chauvinism. Huh? And when a woman succeeds, it costs them a lot, by beliefs, by culture, because this is what God
sent you. Does all that sound? That it is the cross
that God has sent you. This is the truth that
you have to live. And in the end they get to isolate, divorce, and separate. They fall into isolation. What is polarity? What is it? I am so hurt, they have done me
so much harm. That I refuse all social
contact with men. Not only do I avoid all social
contact with men, but, at the very least, this is what we see that
in our seminars. That we are now more male teachers
than female teachers. When we raise our voices, It’s like there are some that resonates with them and they
feel a resentment that it’s violence. Do you follow me? It really is a state of pure isolation. I’m not going to myself.
Typical phrase, men won’t hurt me anymore. Does this ring a bell? This is when one doesn’t want
to be with another. And I see that this has resonated.
¿Right? Well, has it resonated?
Or hasn’t it resonated around here? Back here. Huh? That has a chronic and
permanent character. Of course, even though
those ladies they are approached by
the prince of princes, They’re not going to perceive it
that way. Do you follow me? You’re not going to see it. There is no worse blind than the one
who does not want to see or is not willing to see. If they are not willing to live another experience and to
know how to say no at the right and precise time, they’re not getting
out of here, are they? And then there are also those
who feel ashamed for expressing to the world
how they feel. In fact, when a person is a volunteer and expresses his history. What I’m not going to accept is
for there to be a person who tells me, I’m not gonna do it because I’m ashamed to explain it. And the other one doesn’t? OK? All that you have to do is
simply inquire what emotional environment
we lived in when we were little. What happened at home? What emotional environment
was I living and breathing in for me to live these experiences? Never forget that we are energy, we are information, we vibrate, therefore, we resonate. Let’s continue. People who feel lonely don’t know
how to listen to themselves. They don’t connect with their feelings. They feel alone, even
when accompanied. And this is my reflection, that comes to summarize what
we’ve seen so far. If you feel lonely is because you haven’t learned
to be with yourself. There is no silence
in your mind. You are addicted to noise. You have deceived yourself for wanting to be accompanied by someone
you think will fill a void that doesn’t really exist. The worst. The worst thing we can
offer a person, the worst thing there is. Huh? There’s nothing more fucked up
than this. Which is to project into a person that she’s gonna fill that
emotional void that you feel. That she’s going to be the person
who’s going to solve your problems. Now think for a moment. How many times have you projected
that into your lives? Uhh! Like the wolf. It’s okay, if it’s important. that we realize to
what extent. Oh! Today I met, I met today the man of my life. Huh? I have known to the woman who’s going
to change my life. Of course, we project on
those people all our shadow, all our needs. Okay? We go on. Healthy solitude. Here we go. Soledad apart
from being a name too… What a name
being called Soledad. Good. When you prefer
to be alone, attention. Then you will realize how important
it is to know how to be alone. Huh? Positive feelings like pleasure when you’re alone arise. I have a friend that after living a long and uneasy marriage. And with all the stories of marriages, they have divorced. And she is experiencing the pleasure of being alone. Sometimes it’s so
much pleasure that you can fall into pleasure.
Let’s see, it’s okay. I mean, if you’ve been
all your life hooked on one situation, going to the
other is kind of like Right? But of course she enjoys
things she didn’t enjoy before. And she realized… There are a lot of
people in San Migue, aren’t there? She has realized how little time she dedicated herself. Therefore, loneliness… Whenever you have to make
a decision in your life, whatever it is, don’t ask anyone. This is true.
Do you know why? Because the other one is
going to project you, is going to project their needs and his interpretation
of the story. Imagine for a moment that you guys feel like you have
to get divorced. No! You don’t feel it, you’ve
already taken the decision. And you are going
to tell your best friend Your best friend! That also the asshole is thinking
about getting divorced but doesn’t dare. And you go, and you tell her. I’m getting a divorce, what do you
think the friend is going to say? What do you think the
friend is going to say? Don’t get divorced… Why? Because,
she doesn’t dare. And if you get divorced,
she won’t get excuses. Then do whatever
you have to do, do it! You. But take your time, your space. The importance of emotional distance plus the physical distance,
it’s very important In addition… You’ll see the advantages
you have at your age. We’re going to explain them,
aren’t we? I don’t want to get ahead. All right, it’s a way to connect
with yourself, to question oneself, to find answers,
not to deceive oneself. One realizes, when they are
at their age of how he deceives himself,
of how he puts his… He sees his chains,
he sees his beliefs, he sees his obligations. He realizes what he says to himself,
to do things that he does not want to do. Huh? Because of course
when you’re alone, you put a ball like a Cast Away in there
] and you’re telling him, Ok, asshole. Why do you hold on to this
asshole? And the ball talks. You dissociate yourself.
The fact that you dissociate, just the fact that you all dissociate. Really, do that exercise. That’s why, it serves us to reconnect with ourselves, to question us, and
to find answers without fooling us.
Listen to your heart. Solitude is necessary to understand yourself
outside your programming. I just did it now. You can take pictures
gentleman. As many as you like. Okay? In solitude, instead of defending our position,
we face it. You are seeing. Authentic solitude leads
you to a self-inquiry of your behaviors, of your attachments, of your desires. In short, to discover
your hypnosis. Valeria has come to me
like a ring to the finger. I knew that slide was behind me was coming.
So, let’s be clear. I played with advantage. So seeing what I just
did with Valeria, I’m explaining that. Loneliness is the necessary path for
you to awaken. Therefore, Valeria an advice which is included in the
price. Don’t make a decision in your life if you are influenced by the
opinion of your clan. I do not know if I am
explaining myself. No one… And I say no one has the right to say what you
have to do in your life. Because if you do not see that, others,
those around you. What’s up? We’re good. It’s called emotional isolation, no rechazo de los demás. Is that clear? If not, I isolate myself, because
if not I will receive the projections of others, the fears, the insecurities. That’s why you get phrases like, Daughter! This is your paper, this is
what God sent you. I don’t know if I’m
explaining myself. Each one will project on you. No one can hear its heart, surrounded by noise. Do you follow me? When they have an important decision
to make in their lives, never take it with anyone. Don’t listen to anyone. We are not used to listening to
ourselves in our heart. Because I assure you one thing,
it is an experience that I have lived and several times. And when you are most lost, when you least know
what you have to do, when your mind really stands still because doesn’t know what to say
anymore and you don’t pay attention to it, you’ll know what to do. In mental stillness, you’ll find all the answers. The great masters, the great
philosophers, All those who have invented
great things have it done it wandering around. I mean, doing
absolutely nothing, wandering. Taking the mind to a state of wander, of boredom. Do you follow me? It’s very important what
I’m explaining now. All right, let’s move on. Irvin Yalom, Professor of Psychiatry from Stanford University. My loneliness has nothing to do with the presence or
absence of others. In fact, I detest those who deprive
me of solitude and they don’t give me company. Does this ring a bell? It’s possible to feel alone but it’s impossible to be alone. It is impossible. Never forget one thing, if you feel lonely you’re going to send that information to the quantum field and life is going
to send you situations so that you can continue to feel alone. And then you will say,
what am I doing to find me always the same assholes? And the answer is everything. Everything and you do it very well. I only fall in love with men or women
who are like this. As one of them said to me I only fall in love with women who, except for
the name, are all the same. And me, of course. So, let’s learn that we’re not alone. When you experience that state of loneliness, but loneliness. You realize that you are
connected to the whole. That it is impossible to be alone, but it’s possible that you feel lonely. And the fact that you feel lonely,
it turns out that the universe is gonna give you the situations
so you’ll feel lonely. Because we feel lonely
because, in addition we project some needs.
For example, I want a couple, but I want a couple
that is, like this, like this… And I see the universe
like that, like that… And you say, the universe has not
understood me well. I want it like this… And the universe like that… But we don’t realize,
that in my petition. there are implicit judgments. I’m saying I want it that way, because I don’t
want it like that. And automatically the universe sends me
the one I don’t want, so that I can integrate. I have to learn to integrate. I don’t want husbands
who insult me. I don’t want husbands
who drink. Don’t I know how to ask? No,
of course you don’t know how to ask First integrate. Why do you attract these
people in your life? Integrate the information
they bring you, you transcend it, and then that
thing I just did with you, Valeria, will show up. Now, you don’t see things the
way you used to, do you? Do you follow me? You’ll see it calm,
if it works alone. And you’re going to
meet other people, and you’ll find one, which will
remind you of the first one, and you’ll say, no, no… Not this one. And so, the universe wants to be
sure that you have changed. You’ve been thinking like that all your
life and all of a sudden, you’re thinking backwards. All right. Benefits
of loneliness. Let’s move. It will help you let your
mind wander, its a tool for observing
what it contains. This is fantastic. Sometimes I’m home I’m like this. And my wife tells me, what are you thinking? I tell her, nothing. Anything? I answer her, don’t you know
that sometimes men we don’t think on anything? You don’t think about anything,
nothing in particular. Thoughts do pass
through your mind, it’s a lot of fun
to watch them, you think, and this asshole
got the water out here. Another thought comes out, hello,
I’m the one who cheated you. Hello, I’m that one. The quantum field, our mind, needs your attention. This is like a TV show. Have you seen how many
channels there are on TV? How many do you see? All of you? Didn’t you have time? And if they’re bored, they start doing… Even one says, And you stay there. Automatically,
boom! That channel occupies
your mind. This is the same thing. When we let ourselves
wander the mind, for example,
we want to find… Where did I put the keys? And you start looking and
you don’t find them. Okay? I remember one day
when me and my wife left, and my wife, It was a clock she said, I’ll keep
the clock but I’ll hide it, we took it
or lost. We couldn’t find the watch. Until one day we did an exercise that is,
let’s review when we left and stuff, but as if it was happening the screen. Are you following me?
And suddenly, bam! We saw it. Well, this is the same thing. When they don’t know
what to do, don’t do anything. You let your programming
go by, listen to what your mother
would tell you, what your father would tell you,
what the schoolteacher would tell you, Sometimes I get
characters. that I didn’t know existed,
I didn’t remember them. And they go out there,
friends, friends, of a long time,
it’s a lot of fun. It will help you to change
your perspective. and avoid intoxicating yourself
with other people’s opinions, more than necessary.
That’s why I said that is important to watch
who you’re listening to. You will improve your
relationship with yourself, which will allow you genuine
empathy and assertiveness. Knowing how to
say yes, no. And know how to connect with
other people and not connect with others. In solitude you question
yourself, instead of defending your position,
you face her. We go on. In solitude we leave that space
blank, to listen without interference. what we feel and need. In fact, this is a lot of discomfort, huh? Because one of the most
beautiful things that I heard from a
person is that, she thought she had the problem
solved with her mother, but a relationship just
didn’t work out. And one day a discussion with her mother appeared to her, and realized that he hated his mother.
Are you following me? So, are you following me? She allowed herself to feel that
she hated his mother. She didn’t blame herself for it
and thought it was bad, at all. Because that’s what we
believe, that’s what we hide. That’s what it allows you. So, when you’re really in
solitude and you look at yourself, you look
at your feelings, you look at your emotions, you don’t explain them to yourself,
you don’t justify them. Are you following me? You no longer deceive yourself. That’s authentic, that’s assertive, you do and you say what
you want to do. Because you understand that the
only person you owe respect is you. Or myself. That’s the way it is. And this is uncomfortable and very much,
but it is tremendously liberating. It really is tremendously liberating. That’s it, being only with
yourself empowers your trust. As a matter of fact, the story I told you at the beginning
when I was young, etc. That developed something important
in me, confidence in myself. It’s a quality I’ve developed
over time. Enric, are you nervous to give the lecture?
I’m not nervous. The conference is going to come out
the way it that has to come out, I’ll give whatever needs to be given.
There are not two same conferences. Okay? Solitude is basic to creativity, innovation and good leadership. There are no people who say, I’m gonna write a book, what do you do,
go into a nightclub? Well, if you are researching
about it, yes. But if you’re not, you’re going to look
for a space, were you’re going to be alone. you’re going to be there, waiting for the
muse to illuminate you. That’s the way it is, In fact, when I write a few books, I lock myself in the room, My wife leaves, it’s 8:00 in the morning, she arrives at 2:00 and says, are you
still here? And I say, what time is it? She says, 2 o’clock and I, It’s already 2 o’clock! Sure. You’re in another world. You’re writing, aren’t you? In solitude. In solitude great decisions
are made and you have to let some
time pass, of course. You have to let everything
settle down, everything is placed in its place. Huh? Studies have shown that teenagers
who can’t stand loneliness, are incapable of developing
creative talent. Susan Cain said, stop the madness of
constant teamwork, go to the desert to have
your own revelations. Okay? What to do if you feel lonely?
We’re just finishing up. I’ve explained enough, but
let’s see what to do. When you feel lonely ask yourself, What I’m not hearing from myself? What am I projecting? Phrases like, you never count on me, Does that ring a bell?
It seems that I don’t exist, you don’t pay attention to me,
you don’t listen to me. I could go on. sk yourself,
Am I not hearing from myself? What part of me am I trying to ignore? Here you can aim well, even a
picture that is easier. What am I afraid to face? Yes? Anthony De Mello, you have to distance yourself
from yourself. and realize when the programming acts
for you and when you are yourself. It is also a phrase from
Saint Teresa of Jesus When really, that’s what
I’m explaining, You have to self-inquire which is what we teach,
self-inquiry and emotional self-management.
You have to put that distance and figure out how your
programming works. How we always respond
in the same way to the same stimuli. Like when a friend tells me something or questions me
about my relationship. How do I get? How does it bother me?
Do you follow me? That means we’re in programming. How can we become
disenchanted? To get nervous, anxious. Do you follow me? That’s why one of the most beautiful things
that can happen to us, is that a person who really loves us and watches you, tells you, What if? What if? Because you’re looking at a
stressful situation, what if? If that happened,
what would you do? That’s just a question to that very same friend who wanted to
get divorced and the person who
was with her accompanying her, I ask her, What if your husband got sick? That question is asked with premeditation
and treachery. I remember, I know stories of divorced women, that her ex-husband got sick
and they went to take care of him. Well, they haven’t divorced.
Do you follow me? Am I explaining myself? And she answered her categorically,
it’s his problem, okay. Okay. I don’t know if I’m explaining
what I mean. It’s our programming.
When we do things, one of the things the unconscious
doesn’t understand is that you make a decision
not to go there. Do you follow me? And you keep going there. What do they expect
to happen? Well, the warning is going
to be more powerful. That’s why the importance of
the physical symptom. In the end, physical symptom
is also like as the penultimate cartridge sent to you
by the unconscious to say, hey! That you don’t want to go here. Mireia Darder, psychologist. She says, by inertia, when you are alone less time,
the harder it is for you to be. However, in a society that forces you
to be aware of the outside, solitude involves a movement of contraction
necessary to regain your equilibrium. OK? I don’t know if I’m making it clear, the benefits of being alone. I’m not saying stay alone, but to know how to find your
spaces of solitude. You can ask a question that
was asked to Torralba, well and if you have kids, and you have 4 children. The journalist
made it complicated. If you have 4 children and
work as it is. He says, for there are times to be alone,
he says, I will run every day and it’s my time to be with me. Or I’m going to work
and I’m with myself. I mean, it’s not about being only alone physically and not take over your responsibilities. It is about knowing how to
have this necessary space to be with yourself. even if it’s 10 minutes. But if it is 10 minutes of solitude with quality, obviously
they are already more than enough. We need to question ourselves, what we want to do at any given moment. And to know how to say no to the
people who are by our side or say yes, without anyone dying. OK? I just repeat, we can communicate with the others, when we communicate well
with ourselves. We will know how to be with others without others feeling the need that they have to do something
because they’re with us, because we’re already fine with ourselves. Are you following me? A couple that is in interdependence, can be all afternoon or all day on
Sundays together without a word and at
the same time being connected. Not together in a room, but each
disconnected, if not is to feel like you’re in company, but you’re on your own. And you don’t have to depend to see what happens
to the other, etc. I don’t know if I’m explaining
myself well or very well. OK? Is becoming clear, family?
Yes? Then, in the silence
of your solitude you’ll find the peace
you yearn for. You will realize your
programming, of how you project guilt, how you manipulate, how you let
yourself be manipulated, that’s all programming. When you realize that, you decide for yourself
and for each other, to be yourself. In solitude you will know what to do, because the only approval you need is yours. Thank you very much.