Accidental Butt Stuff – Sex Fails (feat. Hanna Dickinson)

Accidental Butt Stuff – Sex Fails (feat. Hanna Dickinson)

October 10, 2019 100 By Stanley Isaacs


The moral of this story is don’t do
your crush’s geometry homework, it will come back
to fuck you in the ass. Now I’m nervous, you know? In high school,
I was obsessed with this guy. He was older.
He was so cool. He was banned
from a Spencer’s Gifts. His name was Tanner Wells.
That’s a hot name. I couldn’t believe,
I get to geometry class, Tanner is in it
because he’s older than me. So what are the odds?
And he sits behind me and he lets me do all of
his homework the entire year. “Are you sure?” Fast forward six years later,
I’m home from college, I’m drinking at a bar with
my friends and who walks in? Tanner Wells, all right?
And Tanner Wells approaches me. It was …
We start talking about geometry. Before I know it,
we’re making out at a bar. I’m in shock. You know people
can see us, right? I think I blacked out
because I was so happy. Also, I had 10 shots of tequila,
but who cares? I was living.
Next thing I remember, we are in a cab back
to his place, his mom’s place. To be fair,
Tanner only lived at home because he didn’t have a job
or any prospects at all. We get to his mom’s house,
we have to sneak upstairs and we get into his room and Tanner insists
we keep the lights off because he doesn’t want
to wake his mom because his mom was asleep, two rooms down
with her door shut. Because that’s how
you wake up someone, right? When they’re sleeping.
A light. So we’re having sex in the dark.
It really was like old times. He was behind me and I was doing
whatever he said and then Tanner decides to off
road into my asshole, hard. He claims it was an accident
and I believe him. I mean, I did
all of his geometry homework. The dude literally
never learned angles. So I scream and proceed
to hyperventilate and just, “Ahh!”
He’s just standing over me as if I’m a dog about
to piss all over the carpet. Like, “How do I stop
doing this?” Finally, I catch my breath
and can breath normally. And I do what any girl
would do, I apologize. And then when I thought
it couldn’t get any worse, Tanner’s mom walks in. Tanner runs into the closet,
I assume to not get grounded. I just cover myself
in his Washington Redskins sheet and hold eye contact with
his mom for a solid minute. I just pick up my shit
and follow her out. His mom drove me home
as if it was a date. We just ride in silence
for 20 minutes listening to the Starbucks
Christmas album. Just as Micheal Buble’s cheerful
Here Comes Santa Claus enters the car,
maybe it was the music, the Christmas spirit,
I don’t know, I just instinctively
give Tanner’s mom a hug. To be fair, I just had anal, I needed to feel something
and I just say Happy Thanksgiving. We never spoke again,
me or Tanner’s mom, Tanner, the whole Wells clan
but I did hear that Tanner Wells is now engaged, so congrats
to the new Mrs. Wells. I hope it fits, the ring. Also, his dick in your asshole.